A 20-year-old guy’s letter to his future son – it made me laugh so much

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Son, I’m your dad! Laozi is bored right now; he doesn’t want to read books. He was scolded by your old man just now, and he’s feeling very frustrated. Not knowing where to vent his anger, he came up with the idea of scolding you first, you little brat. Whether what I say is right or not, you better listen carefully. If there’s anything wrong in it, fix it; if not, at least take it as a reminder. Don’t dare to talk back, or I’ll beat you without hesitation! Your father is at the peak of his youth now; he’s just over 20 years old and has nothing! ! ! I still haven’t even found your mom yet, so I think it’s really awesome that I’m writing to you right now. As the saying goes, a father who is a hero has sons who are brave too; you must also have the courage of your father in the future! This is necessary! ! ! According to your grandmother, I had ADHD when I was little; it showed up even while I was still in the womb! Kicking around in your grandma’s womb day and night – well, that’s a good thing; it’s a sign of strong vitality. But let me make things clear to you: regardless of whether you develop ADHD in the future or not, you’d better be more gentle during those ten months in the womb. Be careful when moving around, and stop kicking around so much; after all, you’re kicking my wife! Before any signs of your activity appear, your dad and I will buy a notebook and pen; every time you kick, I’ll make a note of it. For every kick you give, I’ll definitely return ten kicks to you in the future! I suggest you save your strength; when the time comes to kick, I’ll go all out with you! Once you’re out, I’ll give you 3 months to get used to the rules of this world – that is, during these 3 months you can eat, drink, sleep, and act however you want, day or night; I won’t hold it against you. After all, I’m human, and I don’t expect you to be a god who can take care of themselves from the moment they’re born. But after those 3 months, you better figure out when it’s time to be active and when it’s time to sleep! But you’re not allowed to be like those uncles of yours from 724 – sleeping during the day and causing trouble at night. It doesn’t matter if they bother me, but they must not bother your mother! You need to know that sleep determines the quality of your skin; if your mother ends up with a dull yellow complexion and dark circles due to lack of sleep, I’ll definitely beat you! Because she has to ask your father for money to buy cosmetics! That thing isn’t cheap at all! By the time you’re 4 or 5, you’ll probably have a sister too, a beautiful sister, because she’ll look just like your mom! As for your appearance, since you resemble me, I won’t bother arguing with you about it. But back then, you had to eat well and grow taller so that you could protect your sister! I allow you to bully other people’s sisters, but I absolutely won’t allow anyone to bully your sister! So it’s best for you to become the fighting champion! Just like your dad when he was young – unbeatable throughout the entire alley! In the future, when you return to the alley where your grandmother used to live, you will be able to say proudly to the sons of Da Hu, Er Hu Zi, and others, “My father used to often ride your father down there as a child.” I hope that in the future, my grandson, who is also your son, will be able to say the same thing proudly to his friends. Of course, I’m not encouraging you to fight, but in situations like protecting your sister, fighting is necessary! Since your sister was bullied by other kids, I can’t go and beat them up, so it’s up to you to take revenge! By the time you are 6 or 7 years old, you should be in elementary school. Studying hard* is something that one should do, but it’s not necessary. It is necessary to learn how to be a talent. You can make friends, and you can even fall in love; I’m not going to take it personally from you! But you shouldn’t pull other girls’ pigtails casually, nor kick the girls in the front row during class, and definitely not play with anyone just because they have candy! ! I did that thing, your father; my own experience tells me that one will be laughed at when they grow up! At around 13, you should be in middle school – it’s an age full of energy. Hey, could you tell me when you’ll be able to come out? That way I can figure out whether you can start school before the teachers who used to teach me retire. If they haven’t retired yet, well, you’ll have to wait a little longer. I’ll definitely send you to their class. They are experts at using violence to counter violence; by sending you there, I’ll have much less to worry about. At 16, you should be in high school. Let me make this clear: if you want to avoid suffering too much, it’s better to study hard in junior high. In high school, you must study diligently – it’s necessary for entering university in the future. Perhaps you’ll despise my way of educating you over these 3 years, but with so many people who despise me, who do you think you are, you little brat! Laozi is not afraid of you; one day you will understand that I am doing this for your own good! Think about it: you’re so ugly, and yet you look like someone with a high level of education. If you can’t get into university, people will laugh at you; they’ll definitely say, “Without a degree, yet still trying to copy your parents’ ugliness!” Because you are my son, I absolutely won’t allow anyone to laugh at you! Look at those highly educated people – aren’t they all ugly! When you’re in college, I won’t interfere with anything you do, as long as you can obtain your diploma successfully. I’ve got a girlfriend; bring her here for me to see. As long as her nose isn’t crooked, her eyes aren’t misaligned, and her limbs are intact, I won’t object. But you must bring me back a “mainstream” one! Those \"non-mainstream\" people had better stay away from them; not only do I disagree, but the Party and the people alike oppose it! **The law clearly states that people with mental disabilities cannot get married; so even if you bring them along, it’s useless. Once you get married, get as far away from me as possible right away. Don’t keep coming over with your wife and kids to take advantage of my food and resources; it annoys me, tires your mother out, and it’s a wasteful practice that’s not in my interest at all! Of course, it’s still necessary to come back often to see me and your mom, but don’t forget to bring something for me! I don’t need clothes; I’m not interested in RMB. A few good cigarettes and a few bottles of good wine will do. If you don’t bring it, I’ll drive people away; if you do bring it, I’ll take your wife and son as hostages. You decide for yourself! Alright, I’m not going to waste time talking to you anymore; it’s time to go to bed! I reserve the right to speak about some points that haven’t been mentioned yet. If you’re not satisfied, keep it to yourself – don’t let me notice. Don’t try to follow trends or join forces with me in any rebellion. Laozi will crush you at the very earliest stage! Over the years, I’ve learned a lot of **methods for starting uprisings** from your grandfather! Don’t forget, old ginger is the best! Besides, Laozi is your father.