A few jokes

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1. Snakes, ants, spiders, and centipedes are playing mahjong at home. After 8 rounds, the cigarette was gone. They discussed who should go buy cigarettes. The snake said, \"I have no feet; I won’t go. Let the ant go.\" The ant said, \"The spider has eight legs, more than I do; let the spider go.\" The spider said, \"No matter how many legs I have, they can’t compare to those of the centipede brother; let the centipede go ahead.\" The centipede had no choice; it thought to itself, \"There’s nothing I can do – after all, it’s my many legs that cause this problem.\" So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes... It’s been over an hour and the centipede hasn’t returned; two hours later, it’s still not back from buying cigarettes. So everyone sent the spider outside to take a look. As soon as the spider went out, it saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider got angry and asked, \"Why haven’t you gone yet?\" Everyone is waiting. The centipede also grew anxious and said, “Nonsense!” You have to wait until I put on my shoes! ! 2. One late night, as a young woman was passing by a psychiatric hospital, a sudden \"whoosh\" sound came from behind her. The woman turned to look, and saw a naked man chasing after her. The woman was so scared that she ran away immediately, with the man behind her in hot pursuit. It’s bad – there’s a dead end ahead. The woman, in despair, knelt down and cried, pleading, \"Do whatever you want, but please don’t kill me.\" "The man smiled slyly and said, "Really?" So now you’re starting to chase me. " 3. There is a mental hospital. One day, the dean wanted to see how many people had recovered. The nurse drew a big door on the wall. One patient after another was banging against the wall like crazy. The dean was very disappointed; suddenly, he saw that only one patient was indifferent. The dean was very happy and rushed over to ask him, \"Don’t you want to go out with them?\" The patient replied, \"These idiots, I have the key here!\" " 4. In the psychiatric hospital, two people were talking: “How is my novel?” ""Not bad, it’s just that there are too many players on the field. "At that moment, the nurse shouted at them, “Hey, you two, put the phone book back right away.” " 5. A warship was sailing at sea. One night, a sailor suddenly noticed a light in the distance. He immediately reported to the captain, \"Report to the captain: There’s a ship approaching us from not far away. If we don’t change course, we’ll collide with it!\\" Upon hearing this, the captain promptly shouted, \"Call back! This is the captain. Please change your ship’s course east by 10 degrees right away!\" The other party replied, \"Call back! You should change your course west by 10 degrees!\" The captain said, \"I’m on a warship; how dare you tell me what to do!\" The other party immediately replied, \"Ha! I’m a lighthouse. If you have the guts, come and crash into me then!\" 6. A spider got engaged to a bee, but he was very dissatisfied. So he asked his mother, \"Why do you want me to marry this bee?\" "The spider’s mother said, “Bees are a bit noisy, but at least they’re flight attendants.” "The bee was also very dissatisfied, so she asked her mother, \"Why do you want me to marry a spider?\" "The bee’s mother said, “Spiders may be a bit ugly, but at least they work with webs.” " After the spider and the bee got married, they were very happy at first. The bee said, “Ah, that’s great; I can eat meat now.” The spider said, \"Ah, good, I can taste the honey now.\" Later, they argued all the time. The bee said, \"You never go outside; all you do is work on that crappy local network of yours!\" The spider said, \"Going out all day long makes the makeup on me fall off in clumps!\" They finally reconciled, but the bee kept complaining: \"You’re too closed off; you stay in your own web all the time. Can’t you go online and communicate with spiders outside?\" The spider sighed: Alas, you don’t know; the company has imposed restrictions – it’s really not possible to access the external internet. 7. American soldiers received a bounty from Bush: capture an Iraqi soldier and you’ll get $100,000! So Michel and Yuri began searching near Baghdad. After a few days of working in Lawton, the two were completely exhausted; they lay down on the ground and fell asleep. When Michel woke up, he found that they were surrounded by over 500 armed members of Saddam’s Republican Guard. He quickly shook Yuri awake and shouted, “Get up! We’ve made a fortune!” " 8. The daughter of a farmer was so ugly that no one wanted to marry her, so the farmer had no choice but to send her to the cornfield to act as a scarecrow to ward off crows. When she got there, she not only scared away the crows but also scared three of them into returning the corn they had stolen earlier. 9. A: Is your talking parrot still alive? B: Ah, better not talk about it. I can’t believe it died after just a week of being in my care. A: Did it die from an illness? B: No, it competes in speaking with my wife until it dies of exhaustion. 10. A farmer went to an automobile sales center. He took out 2,000 yuan and slapped it on the table, saying, “Give me a Santana.” The salesperson was shocked and said, “Your money isn’t enough.” The farmer was puzzled and asked, “Isn’t it written ‘Santana 2000’ outside?” "Salesperson: “Oh... then turn right when you go out; the Mercedes from that company costs only 600~~~!” " 11. A player on a certain team had a child, and all his teammates were invited to attend the baptism and went to the church. Suddenly, the child slipped from the mother’s hands, and the goalkeeper reacted quickly, catching the child just a few centimeters above the ground. Everyone applauded and cheered; the goalkeeper tapped the ball twice as usual, then kicked it away skillfully with his foot. 12. The teacher asked, “Calculus is a very useful subject. What is our goal in learning calculus?” Me: “No cavities!” " 13. Teacher: “Male students, stand on my left; female students, stand on my right. Everyone else stay where they are.” "As a result, only the teacher didn’t move. 　　 　　14. In middle school, a math teacher was explaining how to transform equations; he rolled up his sleeves at the podium and shouted loudly, \"Class, pay attention!\" I’m going to transform! 15. My middle school teacher liked to dive deep into the problems when explaining them. "My base radius is 20 CM, and my height is 50 CM. So I…” Someone below said, “You’re an idiot…” The whole class burst into laughter. 16. The physics teacher said to the principal, “Do you know how many lessons I’ve spent teaching just the concepts of clockwise and counterclockwise motion?” Five classes! I told them that if they still didn’t understand, to look at their watches – the direction in which the hour hand moves is clockwise, and the opposite direction is counterclockwise. But if I count everyone in the class, they all have either smartphones or digital watches... If I don’t resign, will I have to teach those two words to them throughout the entire semester? "