A husband’s apology letter after an argument is really classic, o(_)o... haha

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Dear wife: As per your instructions, I spent one hour, 43 minutes, and 7 seconds reflecting in the study; I drank a glass of plain water and used the bathroom once. I did not smoke. The above details are accurate; please verify them. I attach my self-criticism report; any issues can be discussed. 　　After three months of marriage, I believe my wife is gentle and virtuous, diligent and intelligent – a truly rare and excellent wife. As her husband, however, I have behaved in an improper manner, with an arrogant attitude, and my actions are indeed questionable. Below is my analysis of my own bad behavior; please review it, sir: 1. I was at fault for what happened yesterday. The braised eggplants you made are a bit salty, but they are flavorful and delicious; the flaw doesn’t outweigh the strengths, and I shouldn’t blame you for wasting salt. My excessive criticism is entirely driven by hidden jealousy. But it’s okay to add a little more water. 2. When you said you liked Lu Yi, I shouldn’t have blurted out that I liked Leehom Wang, which made you refuse to talk to me for two days – it was extremely painful for me. Upon reflection, my response was indeed inappropriate; since your infidelity was limited to the mainland, I went as far as Hong Kong and Taiwan. I’d rather like Zhou Xun after all. 3. You like Xiao Zheng from Korean dramas; I shouldn’t have tried to stop you in every way. I also shouldn’t have objected when you compared me to him, since Xiao Zheng himself didn’t object at all. 4. For the wedding on Saturday, I said I had a meeting and wasn’t sure if I could make it. You prepared two red envelopes, one worth 100 and one worth 200, but I didn’t go, and you accidentally gave away the one with the higher amount. Honey, I shouldn’t have laughed at you; you’ve done very well. If it were me, I might have given away both of them together. 5. Last time you bought the yellow croaker, I shouldn’t have pretended to be an expert chef. As a result, you were overjoyed while helping with the cooking, drooled at the smell, but became depressed when eating it; for your fragile psyche, this was too much to bear. 6. You cut your hair short and asked me if it looked good; I said it did, and you were very happy ； Upon further verification, I’d say it’s okay ； You kept asking if it was still good, and I replied that it wasn’t as good as before, which made you very sad. It’s my fault; from now on, such responses will be based on the first one. 　 7. You’ve met many wonderful friends online; messages were sent back and forth in large numbers. I shouldn’t have used reports from the newspapers to hurt you. But the photo of you in the white dress really doesn’t look good; the one with you wearing a high-necked shirt is better. With me as your bodyguard beside you, it looks great. 　 8. The time I went to visit your nephew, you came back and discussed with me who should change the diapers; I really shouldn’t have shirked my responsibility and made you angry. But dear, this task is too far-fetched; let’s rather discuss who will be responsible for having children. Who gave birth to them? 9. When you accused me of leaving socks everywhere, I shouldn’t have retorted by accusing you of leaving books everywhere; after all, socks stink while books have a pleasant scent. 　 10. When you took Xueer to McDonald’s, I shouldn’t have secretly kicked her under the table and made you so angry, but she ruined so many of my leather shoes – why didn’t you do anything about it? 11. When you said I’m not as pretty as you, I shouldn’t have stubbornly denied it; you were right, the evidence is clear – even a blind person could testify to it. 12. When I came back down from taking out the trash, you circled around me several times and asked how many cigarettes I had smoked. I said one, and you got very angry. Honey, I really didn’t know your nose was so sensitive; actually, I smoked two cigarettes. You have always been a understanding girl; I hope you can forgive me and give me a chance to turn over a new leaf. For the stability of the family and economic prosperity, here are a few small suggestions: 1. Don’t point at the handsome guys on TV and say they resemble your ex-boyfriend. The first time you got close to a man was at a dance party in your sophomore year; you accidentally stepped on someone’s feet in a panic, and unfortunately, that person was me. 　 2. When shopping, don’t always have sudden ideas, such as wanting to buy a grinder to make garlic paste at home. Don’t you think my machine is more cost-effective? 3. When we eat, you always complain that I eat too little, and when taking photos, you complain that I’m fat. Honey, this really puts me in a difficult position. 4. Don’t ask me some weird, tricky questions claiming they’re riddles, as that only confuses my logic. 5. Don’t tell jokes to me while I’m watching gunfight movies, and you have to laugh. 　 　　Please, my dear wife, take all of this into consideration. Friendly reminder: Spiders were seen in the bedroom yesterday. If you need protection, please contact Sofa No. 1 in the leisure area to the west of the living room; we’re here to serve you wholeheartedly.