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Now, listen up, you foreign boys and girls: Chinese New Year is approaching, and I want to talk to you seriously about chicken feet, sea cucumbers, and firecrackers. As a Chinese, I want to be honest with you. Over the past 30 years, we have opened up to the West and welcomed foreigners like you to come here to do business, to make money; we even gave you easy credit so that you could buy property or marry our women. But that doesn’t make you Chinese. There are things that we reserve for ourselves, and it really doesn’t matter how long you’ve been here—just don’t assume that you can become one of us. And don’t touch the following three things: Most of you are skilled enough to know when not to use your chopsticks, no matter how you’re holding them, and to stay away from chicken feet in Chinese dim sum restaurants. But some of you are show-offs. You try to prove to your Chinese girlfriend’s parents that you’re very Chinese by saying, “Look, I’m eating chicken feet. Mmm… delicious!” Don’t do that. We get really annoyed when foreigners try to eat chicken feet. Sometimes, you’re so polite that you don’t spit out the bones; you chew them and try to swallow them. That’s completely unacceptable. When you do that, most Chinese people worry that you might choke to death on those bones. It’s impossible to enjoy dim sum when you’re causing such concern. Sea cucumbers aren’t meant for you either. Most of you are intimidated by slimy sea creatures like jellyfish and sea cucumbers. But then there are those of you who are brave enough to try them and pretend to enjoy them. Usually, you’re foreign businessmen who don’t want to offend your Chinese hosts by refusing to eat the most expensive dish on the menu. I have some news for you: He didn’t order that dish for you! He ordered it for the Chinese people at the table! Do you know how difficult it is to prepare sea cucumbers? No one can do it well in their own kitchens; only restaurants can. So stop trying to pick up sea cucumbers with your chopsticks—it will end up on your lap anyway. Just politely put the untouched dish back on the serving tray. We’re not impressed by such “chivalry” when it comes to sea cucumbers. Now, as for firecrackers: they’re strictly for us Chinese. We really don’t want you anywhere near them. First of all, they’re dangerous. You don’t understand why 1.4 billion people have to act like pyromaniacs for one night—it’s beyond your comprehension. But we love them; we’ve been setting off firecrackers since we were three, for 5,000 years now. On the other hand, we Chinese have a high tolerance for firecrackers—it’s just one night when we’re allowed to cause some damage. For example, you can burn down a building, a brand-new building with people inside. How can you understand such tolerance? And don’t even think about trying to do the same thing—we won’t tolerate it at all. If you try to burn down a building, we’ll kill you. It doesn’t matter if you’re under the influence of drugs or if your prime minister keeps calling us with annoying requests. So, you’d better behave nicely, because firecrackers are coming to town! Foreign friends, please pay attention: Chinese New Year is coming soon. Here, I would like to speak seriously with you about chicken feet, sea cucumbers, and fireworks. As a Chinese, I want to be honest with you. Over the past 30 years, we have opened our doors to the West, welcoming foreigners like you to come here to do business, make money, and even by providing easier credit terms that allow you to purchase property and marry Chinese women. But this doesn’t mean you have become a Chinese person. There are many things we keep only for ourselves. No matter how long you have been in China, don’t assume that you already belong to us, and certainly avoid these 3 things: Most of you can use chopsticks skillfully. However, no matter how you hold your chopsticks, please do not touch the chicken feet in Chinese restaurants. However, there are still people who like to show off. Most of the time, you want to prove to your girlfriend’s family just how “Chinese” you are. “Look, I’m eating chicken feet. Hmm… it smells so good! ” Never do this! We really hate the way foreigners bite chicken claws. Generally, out of courtesy, you don’t spit out the bone, but chew on it repeatedly in an attempt to swallow it. This is completely unacceptable. Because when you do that, most Chinese people start to worry that you’ll choke on those damned chicken bones. And it’s simply impossible to enjoy Chinese pastries while worrying. Sea cucumbers are also not suitable for you. Most foreigners are afraid of slimy seafood—such as jellyfish and sea cucumbers. However, there are also brave people who persist in trying and pretend to enjoy it. Most of the time, this happens to foreign businessmen: they don’t want to offend their Chinese hosts by refusing to eat the most expensive dishes. Here, I need to reveal some information to you. Guess what? These weren’t ordered for you; they were ordered for other Chinese people at your desk! Do you know how difficult it is to send sea cucumbers properly? No one can cook sea cucumbers at home; they can only be eaten in restaurants. So, don’t use your chopsticks to pick up the sea cucumber, as it’s likely just lying there on your plate. You just need to politely put the sea cucumber that you haven’t touched back on the rotating table. We are not moved by the chivalry of sea cucumbers. Next, let’s talk about fireworks. This belongs entirely to the Chinese people. We really don’t want you to get close to it. First of all, it’s dangerous. You won’t understand why 1.4 billion Chinese people suddenly became \"arsonists\" overnight. This truly goes beyond your understanding. But we love fireworks; we have been setting off fireworks since we were 3 years old, and this tradition has been around for over 5,000 years. On the other hand, Chinese people have a high tolerance for fireworks. That night, even if you destroyed things, you could avoid punishment. For example, you might have set fire to a building, a brand-new one, with employees inside it as well. How can you possibly understand such a level of \"open-mindedness\"? Yet you don’t dare to do such a thing, and we cannot tolerate it happening. If you try to burn down a building, we will kill you. Perhaps you just sought momentary pleasure and caused a big mess; we really don’t care if you’re disturbed mentally, nor do we care if your prime minister keeps calling endlessly. So, you’d better stay put, because people are going to the town to set off fireworks! Reposted from Hai Ci Happy English, for sharing among Hai friends