Are you managing your emotions, or are you releasing them?

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By Yuan Xiaohua | Psychological Counselor. Nowadays, various emotion management courses and methods emphasize that one should not suppress emotions but rather express them. In fact, it’s not necessary to express emotions; nor is expression the only option – there are better ways: bearing them and growing through them. If emotional management can also be categorized into different levels, from low to high, I believe it progresses from \"unconscious suppression or release\" to \"conscious expression or acceptance\", and then to \"conscious awareness and growth\". The following is a description of each stage: First, unconscious suppression or release of emotions, especially intense ones; if not handled properly, it can harm both oneself and others. “\"Unconscious repression\" clearly falls into the category that causes more harm to oneself. During our growth, due to the various teachings or ways in which parents and teachers intervene, we come to believe that certain emotions are inappropriate, that we shouldn’t feel them or express them. Their methods of education also lead us to develop a habit of ignoring or suppressing our own emotions; we automatically suppress them or think they aren’t important. But in reality, these emotions have always been there; they turn into \"internal injuries\" that keep accumulating, and one day they suddenly erupt. We ourselves don’t even understand why we suddenly act in such a way. I believe many people have experienced or seen this phenomenon. If \"unconscious repression\" harms oneself more, then \"unconscious expression\" clearly harms others more. “\"Unconscious venting\" manifests in two common ways: one is through emotional expression, which makes others think your behavior is a bit excessive or strange. We often experience this: while communicating with someone, we’re not sure which words of ours have \"hurt\" them, and suddenly that person becomes very emotional. It’s clear that their voice gets louder and their emotions intensify. When you give them feedback, they’ll say \"No, it’s not true,\" and then explain in detail why they said what they said. In such a situation, the other person is actually not aware of their own emotions and expresses them in an \"intense\" manner, making it difficult for others to know how to communicate with them. At that time, the way they speak and the content of what they say are meant solely to express those emotions; they won’t try to make sense with you, and they won’t listen to whatever logic you present. Another option is to move to another place, so that those “other people” find you mysterious. In life, we often encounter people who suddenly get angry at us for no apparent reason; you don’t know what happened and feel like you haven’t done anything wrong. When you try to argue with them, they keep making excuses, which leaves you confused. The most common phenomenon is that after experiencing stress at work, a person takes it out on their spouse or children when they get home. Of course, by \"taking it out\" we mean that the person is not even aware of their own emotions or of the hurt they feel. In both of these cases, the person is not aware of their own emotions and ends up lashing out at others; those others have no idea what’s going on and are unintentionally \"hurt\" as a result. II. There is a qualitative difference between being conscious of one’s emotions when they arise and unconsciously experiencing them. When we are not aware of it, we suppress our emotions, or unconsciously express them in a \"negative\" way or redirect them elsewhere. In such situations, emotions are reflected in our words and actions, expressing themselves in an indirect way and causing our behavior to get out of control. We think we are expressing certain things, but in reality we are unconsciously expressing our emotions. Others don’t understand why we behave in such an irrational manner. Sometimes, we ourselves wonder why we can’t control ourselves; it’s all due to emotions, though we’re not aware of it. The greatest advantage of being highly aware of one’s emotions – that is, being able to recognize one’s emotions when they arise – is that we know we are experiencing emotions, and we also understand that our actions and words serve to express those emotions. When these methods don’t work effectively, we can adjust in a timely manner, thus keeping our emotions under control. The most common \"conscious emotion management method\" is \"conscious expression,\" that is, we become aware of our emotions and choose a way to express them (through talking, exercising, sleeping, singing, watching movies, etc.). Sometimes, during communication, we realize that we are feeling emotions, that our voice is a bit louder and our speech pace is a bit faster; we become aware of our emotions. When communication falls apart, or when emotional expressions on our part lead to poor communication results, we can realize that it’s our emotions at fault, and we can then adjust and control them in a timely manner. This is something that many people who are good at communicating do regularly; they openly admit that they were a bit emotional earlier. When they express this, it usually earns them understanding and sincerity from the other party, which helps turn things around in the communication. Another way to consciously deal with emotions is through conscious acceptance. We often have a misconception that if we have emotions, we should get rid of them; otherwise, it’s not good. But in fact, we all know that those who have faced various setbacks, experienced numerous failures and hardships yet remain strong inside, often didn’t have anyone to rely on at those times of failure and pain, nor did they have time to vent their emotions. Many times, they chose another approach: to endure it. Mencius said, \"Heaven imposes a great responsibility on such a person; it first tests his will, exhausts his muscles and bones, starves his body, leaves him in hardship, and forces him to develop skills he previously did not possess.\" ”This shows the effect of mental tempering brought about by choosing to endure emotions. On the contrary, those who tend to seek someone to vent their emotions to whenever they feel emotional will develop a habit of needing to do so whenever emotions arise. Those who choose to endure such emotions, on the other hand, become stronger and more resilient with each experience, enabling them to handle stronger emotions; when faced with them again, they can remain calm and composed. Of course, this is on the condition that they are aware of their emotions and choose to endure them; such endurance, such way of dealing with emotions, can make us stronger inside. III. Conscious awareness and growth in emotion management: No matter how much we manage our emotions, they are still there. Wouldn’t it be better to have fewer negative emotions and more positive ones? Another level of emotion management is awareness and growth; its purpose is to let go and to love. Emotions are, in essence, manifestations of whether motivations and desires are fulfilled; when desires are satisfied, we feel happy, joyful, excited – various positive emotions. When desires are not fulfilled, we feel sad, angry, furious – various negative emotions. Ultimately, it is because we have desires that we are vulnerable. Most of our desires stem from unmet needs during our upbringing; we are also prone to being hurt because, during that time, we did not receive recognition and support from important people such as our parents. Every time an emotion arises, it is actually an opportunity for us to become more aware and to grow. Being aware of the psychological feelings and physical reactions that occur during emotional experiences allows us to know more about ourselves and become more sensitive to our bodies. This greater understanding of ourselves and sensitivity to our bodies enhances our intuitive abilities and raises our spiritual level, making it easier for us to connect with ourselves, others, and nature. Being aware also presents an opportunity for us to delve deeper into our own behavior patterns, to examine those unmet desires and expectations from our upbringing. By means of acceptance, forgiveness, and transformation, we can let go of these things and grow as individuals. In this way, when faced with various situations, we can set aside our own desires and previous ways of reacting, thus avoiding emotions and being able to handle things calmly. As our negative emotions decrease, those suppressed self-actualization motives and desires for love that haven’t had a chance to manifest will naturally come to the surface. If we originally helped others in order to prove ourselves or change them, we will have expectations of those people; when they do not follow our advice, we feel sad and disappointed, which in turn affects our willingness to help them again in the future. When we are no longer needed to prove our worth and are full of energy, and when we can accept others as they are while genuinely wishing to help them grow, we let go of our expectations. When they do not follow our advice, we can accept that calmly and encourage them to keep growing. At that point, our help for others is simply out of love and a desire to assist; thus, when they fail, we remain calm, and they too are not under pressure to fail or change. In this way, negative relationships will become fewer and fewer, while positive emotions will increase. In fact, every time emotions arise, it is an opportunity for us to grow. The question is whether we see it as such an opportunity and whether we seize it.