[Father’s Day] What can I give you to show my love, my father
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This post was last edited by clear sky_No Sunshine on 2015-6-15 at 10:19. What can I use to love you, my father? I was lying in bed at night, about to go to sleep, when the phone suddenly rang. When I answered it, I heard my father’s voice on the other end: “Longlong (my nickname), it’s Dad.” Joy, longing, concern, and a sense of guilt—all these emotions surged within me. My eyes gradually became moist and dry. No matter how much I tried to hide it, I knew that family ties would always be the weakest part of my heart. I was afraid my voice would shake with emotion. I knew that if you noticed, you’d feel even more hurt than I did. I tried to change the subject, telling you that I was fine, that I was working hard, that I was renovating my house and planning my future, doing the things that people my age should do. What I wanted to convey to you was that even if you couldn’t do anything for me, I would still manage to build my own future. I understood your difficulties, your expectations of me, and how my rebellious phase had hurt those expectations. In my youth, I was reckless and fearless; I paid a heavy price for my indulgence. I’ve always known that my mother’s death was closely related to the disappointment I caused you. I’m sorry. I understand all of this. I’m just pretending to be ignorant; I’m afraid of carrying all this guilt and anxiety. My mother’s departure, and your sudden illness, left me completely helpless. It was just like those nights eight years ago when I went to Urumqi alone—confused, ignorant, scared, and at a loss. On the phone, you kept saying that you couldn’t help me buy a house or renovate it. Just like when I visited you after your illness, you cried as you looked at me and said, “Son, I’m sorry.” That was the first time I saw you so sad since my mother died. I couldn’t hold back my emotions; I lit a cigarette and smoked it one after another. I didn’t want you to hear any sign of sadness from me. I smiled and said, “Dad, I don’t need your help. I just hope you’ll recover soon. Once you’re better, I want you to see me get married, start a family, and build a career.” I want to tell you that since I failed the college entrance exam at 18 and left home in anger, these eight years have changed me a lot. I’ve gained something, but I’ve lost even more. For ten years, I watched my mother fade away in your arms. Even in her last moments, her gaze remained fixed on me. How much trouble have I caused you? When you brought her body home, your first words were to put your arm around my shoulders and say, “Son, there’s still Dad.” It was unbearable for me… I want to say to you, Dad, that during these eight years, although I’ve faced failures and setbacks, I’ve never given up. I kept telling myself that I had to succeed, that I must stand before you proudly and say that although my choices were wrong, I’ve found my own path. Maybe I won’t get a PhD like my sister or go abroad to study, maybe I won’t have a prestigious job like other people’s children, and maybe I won’t be as sophisticated as others and make many so-called friends. But I want to say that I’m slowly becoming mature. I know what I want, I know what kind of person I want to become, I know how I need to live, and I know what kind of friendship and friends I want. I just want to shape my future according to my own dreams. This is my life, no matter what happens, my original intention remains unchanged… Please recover soon. When I succeed, I want you to point at me and tell others that I’m your son. Not for anything else, but because I’m your son. Suffering and pain can’t defeat you, nor can they defeat me. I love you… This is something I wrote after receiving a call from my father before going on night shift. There are many flaws and imperfections in it; please forgive me… Father’s Day, let’s all come together and make love stop being silent! Topics for submissions: 1. Children: Stories about their fathers, heartfelt words to their fathers, holiday wishes for their fathers, etc. 2. Father: Stories with children, heartfelt words to them, thoughts on Father’s Day, and so on. For more details: Haichuan Chemical Network’s [Father’s Day] Essay Contest – Let Love Stop Being Silent! http://bbs.hcbbs.com/thread-1406654-1-1.html
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