Qian Zhongshu: what is true friendship

Although mistresses need new ones to be interesting, friends still let old ones be good. The erosion of friendship by time is like water flowing through a pebble, but it becomes smooth and clean. Because friendship is not an acute need, the precursor of boredom, a kind of contentment (meaning "satisfaction") rarely occurs between good friends.: Satisfaction), like the feeling we feel when we finish the last dish, put down our knives and forks, lean back in our chairs, and prepare to ask the waiter to serve coffee. Of course, it cannot be generalized, depending on the kind of friends you have. Western proverb goes: “A friend is a true friend when he is in need or when he is sleepy”, which is inevitably superficial. When we are in urgent need, that is when we least need friends. My friend is rich and we need his money ； A friend has rice, but what we lack is his rice. At that time, we may need real friends, but what we really need is not friends. We talk about friendship, save face, and move here and there. The purpose is not to make friends themselves, but to use friendship as a tool and a convenient method.

We are often the most knowledgeable and knowledgeable friend, but when we are in a hurry, we have no intention of appreciating his humor, his embrace, and his charm. The breeze is wrapped in both sleeves, the water is swallowed, and the clouds listen to the conversations of good friends, forgetting hunger and thirst. Even celebrities who are so noble that they are not popular may not be able to live in this way. This remark has nothing to do with the so-called complaints about having good fortune. It is the same thing whether a friend is generous or stingy, or whether he is willing to solve problems and help them. ； Our unbreakable stereotype is that we are friends and someone should help me when I am in trouble. That is another matter.

Even though my friends were generous and righteous, what they had was actually mine. When I was in need of money and needed a loan, I always had bad intentions and talked about kindness, but in fact it had no effect. Let’s see how many friendships there are in the world. A layer of barrier has been built up because of unrealistic requests. ； Similarly, if someone we usually look down on and have the least relationship with can help in an emergency at this time, they will be more concerned than our usual friends. When we are grateful, we can immediately make new friends, and the friendship accumulated over several years can be transferred to another person on the spot. Friendship when you are sleepy is the least valuable - no, the value can best be assessed with money! I often feel that since "The Theory of Guangdong Severance of Friendship" and below, the poems and essays about friendship all hope too extravagantly for friends and criticize them too harshly. They only say that people who make friends are small-minded, completely ignoring that we ourselves are poor and have small eyes. We only recognize money and things, and do not recognize friends who may not be able to borrow or are willing to borrow anything. Gulshmi's Oriental story "The History of Asan's Pain" is a little-known one. The single volume published in 1877 has a preface in which he said that he wanted to create a friendship scale and judge the level of friendship based on the amount of money a friend is willing to lend him. Even elegant people like Zhang Chuanshan are not immune to this kind of self-indulgent view of friendship, so why should he complain about "being arrogant even if he tolerates vulgarity, and gradually becoming less close to each other after making friends with others". "The Theory of Extensive Severance of Diplomacy" only scolded our snobbish friends on our behalf. We also need an "Essay on Opposing Severance of Diplomacy" to scold their snobbish friends on our behalf, which is ourselves.

In "Water Margin", it is written that Song Jiang assassinated Jiangzhou, Dai Zong asked him for favors and money, Song Jiangdao: “Favor, favor, depend on one's will! ”The truly wise sayings are ten thousand times more insightful than those of Liu Xiaobiao, Zhang Chuanshan and others. It is strange to say that this sentence with the meaning of "forgiveness" goes so far as to say that Zhu Chuanhuoer Zhang Heng "does not love friendship but only loves money", a bandit leader who robs homes and houses. This can't help but make people shake their heads and sigh: The first sigh comes, sighing that only robbers understand the truth better than the scholar-officials! But wait, there is a second sigh ； The second sigh comes. I understand the truth, but I can't help setting fires and killing people. My words and deeds don't match, so I am a robber! When talking about material assistance to spiritual assistance, we think of Confucius’s so-called beneficial friends who are straightforward, understanding and knowledgeable. This bleached utilitarianism simply means that we must make friends with people who are beneficial to our character and intelligence. My bias is that this kind of friendship is not very solid. Confucius contrasted the good friends who are outspoken and kind with the bad friends who are "reclusive, kind and gentle". Of course, they refer to those young and old adults who are outspoken and outspoken and encourage good deeds that they meet everywhere. Born with a cricket-like temper, he always tries his best to maintain a respectful distance from good people who like to meddle in other people's affairs in order to save trouble and avoid getting angry. However, whenever enemies meet in a narrow road, it is inevitable to listen to a lesson. Recently, he has developed a deep self-cultivation, and Zilu will be happy when he hears about it. This is not just a boast, he is quite capable of achieving it.

Listen to the advice of Zhiliang's "good friend", you should never find out your conscience and cry in despair； When he saw your frightened expression, he felt that you were more evil than good and had gained a lot of momentum. He scolded and persuaded you, making it difficult for you to explain. Then he said a few sweet words and patted your shoulder to say goodbye. He laughed alone along the way and felt that he was doing justice for heaven and had done immeasurable merit. On the other hand, if you put a big smile on your face and admit it ； When he says you curse, you say you are like so-and-so, who not only deserves to be scolded, but also deserves to be killed and chopped into pieces. When he says you are cruel, you say that you are not only mean, but also want to poison. At that time, it is his turn to stretch out his face like a soldering iron, and he cannot laugh or cry. Generally speaking, people who are the most conceited, outspoken, and like to disobey others, like the good Christian men and women I have met in recent years, are also the most intolerant of others' advice. Therefore, you rarely see what kind of friendship can develop between forgiving people. ； The straight center is probably like a straight line in geometry. If the two are parallel, they will never join. The "beneficial friends" who are knowledgeable are equally unreliable. A person who is well-informed and well-read may be a counselor, but may not be a friend, unless he has other attractive qualities besides his knowledge. De Bellows criticizes Voltaire: “Others respect and love him only because of the good poems he wrote. It is true that his poetry is not bad, but we should only love his poetry. ”——The implication, of course, is that we don't have to love His person. I heard a sentence last year that was even more satisfying. A boyfriend encouraged me to match him up with a girlfriend. I have never been a matchmaker in my life, and I was curious to try it out. When I saw the girlfriend, I declared my intention to come. The first item was that my boyfriend was very knowledgeable. When I was about to say the second item and the third item that perfectly combined the scientific method, the girl smiled coldly and said: “If you are knowledgeable, you should marry him. Many old university liberal arts professors are widowers. ”These two examples can also be applied to "beneficial friends" who are knowledgeable. For example, when it comes to reading, reference books contain the richest materials and are most useful, but few people regard them as companion reading.

Yide's "Diary" has a wonderful quiz； He said that with regard to the many books we should ask: Who should read this kind of book? About there are many people we should ask: What kind of books can such a person read? According to this statement, a well-informed "beneficial friend" is someone who specializes in reading reference books. Well-informed people often have the same fate as reference books. Once used, they are like squeezed dry lemons, tasteless when chewed, and discarded with no regrets. This does not mean that friends are of no benefit to you ； I'm just explaining that people who can bring you physical and mental benefits may not necessarily be considered friends. The benefits of friends cannot be discussed in such a superficial way. The formation of true friendship is not due to intentional traction between the two parties, but rather accidental and unconscious. Underneath the consciousness, there is a seed of friendship lurking in unknown time and month. ； Hey! Look at it sprouting in your heart. In the warm, dense, spring night-like subconscious, an outsider suddenly sneaked into the room, oh! It turned out to be him! The product of true friendship is just a joy that permeates your body and mind. Without this kind of pleasure, no matter how open and knowledgeable you are, there will be no friendship. When you come into contact with your true friends and feel this kind of happiness, the stinginess and cruelty in your heart will naturally disappear without the need for preaching persuasion.

Have you never heard the sound of the wind howling in the chimney late at night in the dead of winter? It's like letting out the knot in your mind and blowing it away until it dissipates. However, it leaves no traces of language or words and is not bound by gold, stone, silk and bamboo. Huang Shanshangu's "Tea Ci", which I never tire of reading, says it best: “Just like old friends under the lamp, seeing each other after returning from thousands of miles away ； The mouth cannot speak, but the heart is happy and introspective. ”It is indeed better to make friends than to drink tea. People who deliberately want to make "beneficial friends" are not like the ancient Chinese drinking tea, but more like the British drinking tea in the afternoon.: Strong and bitter Indian black tea, sugar cubes and milk, plus bread and butter pastries, and even sausage meat pancakes, dry and wet, as lively as a water and land ashram, just fill your stomach at will. Among the few languages ​​​​that I know only a little bit, there is no one that expresses the essence of friendship better than the ancient Chinese saying "Su Jiao". The word "prime" perfectly describes the essence of pure and simple friendship. Element is the basis of all colors, and it is also the harmony of all colors, just like the day contains seven colors. True friendship seems to be insignificant, but it has a deep friendship that transcends life and death. If the friendship is not light and greasy, it is love or platonic friendship. The ancient Chinese called couples "familiar friends", which is also a thoughtful and meaningful saying that cannot be found in foreign literature. Therefore, true friendship is a deeper relationship than spiritual or material assistance.

Pope's title to Pauling White Locke was very thoughtful and thought-provoking.: “Philosopher, mentor, friend. ”I had five of my most beloved teachers in college. They were all, as Pope said, philosophers, mentors and even friends. ； These five teachers and three or four other good friends have all been indescribable kindness to me. ； However, my friendship with them is not due to indescribable benefits, but it is indescribably better. Montaigne's words explaining his life-and-death relationship with La Baie are worth borrowing.: “Because he is him, because I am me”, there is nothing else to say. Su Zi, who is a friend of Su, has already realized this friendship without color. ； “The happiness that cannot be expressed in words can only be described in the form of a wordless heavenly book. There is another type of friend, which is slightly different from casual friends. Most of these friends are acquaintances who are slightly younger than you. Say you tease him and you prefer him ； You say you bully him, but you protect him, just like the relationship between Johnson and Boswell. This kind of friend is like a little secret of yours. It is private to you and you are not willing to make it public. You are only allowed to laugh and curse at him. The happiness of having no friends is close to tasting tea ； This kind of companionship can only bring you more happiness than what Jin Shengtan said when he criticized the so-called scabies in hidden places in the West Wing, and the pain of being scratched behind closed doors. There is a wonderful passage in Yi Luo Tu's "The Story of a Girl Seeking a Husband", which describes the subtle and comfortable tinea itch that can also convey this feeling.

Liu Jun (463-521), whose courtesy name was Xiaobiao, was born in Pingyuan County. When he was young, his hometown was occupied by the Northern Wei Dynasty. When he was eight years old, he was separated from his family and was taken away by human traffickers and sold to Liu Shi (Yi Zuobao), a wealthy man of small and medium age. Liu Shi saw that he was smart and eager to learn, so he asked him to study. Liu Xiaobiao stayed up all night and read until dawn. Qi Yong traveled to the capital for study in the next year and searched for different books. People called him a "book prostitute". A lifetime of abject poverty. In the fifth year of Song Taishi (469), the Northern Wei Dynasty captured Qingzhou. He was moved to Pingcheng as usual, where he became a monk and later returned to secular life. In the fourth year of Qi Yongming's reign (486), he returned to Jiangnan and participated in the translation of Buddhist scriptures. The annotations in this book were made by Liu Xiaobiao after he returned to Jiangnan. He used Pei Songzhi's method of annotating "Three Kingdoms" to fill in the gaps and correct errors. The filial piety standard is full of references and references, with more than 400 kinds of books cited. Later generations who annotated the book include Yu Jiaxi's "Shishuo Xinyu Anshu", Xu Zhen'e's "Shishuo Xinyu Anshu" and Yang Yong's "Shishuo Xinyu Anshu". Scholars from the Tokugawa period in Japan wrote several commentaries on Shishuoxinyu. There are also English translations by Ma Ruizhi, various Japanese translations and French translations by Makada Makoto and others. Liu Jun gave lectures at Ziyan Mountain in Dongyang. His life was rough and he had no aspirations. After his death, his disciples gave him the posthumous title of Mr. Xuanjing. Liu Jun's writings are quite distinctive among writers in the Southern Dynasties. His representative works, "Theory on Guang's Severance of Diplomacy" and "Theory on Fate Analysis", were eye-catching among the parallel prose at that time. Among them, "Guang's Theory on Severing Diplomatic Relations" was written to promote the arguments of Zhu Mu's satirical article "On Severing Diplomatic Relations" in the Han Dynasty. The article uses a question-and-answer format to ruthlessly expose and criticize the human world of the scholar-bureaucrats in the Southern Dynasties. The writing is sharp and sharp. The main purpose of "Discrimination of Destiny" is to explain that a person's wealth and success are determined by destiny and cannot be affected by human affairs or ghosts and gods.