How to persuade parents to overcome the misconception about betrothal gifts?
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Background: The bride comes from a rural area; her family’s financial situation is average. She marries someone from another place, and the bride price, according to local customs, ranges from 120,000 to 300,000. The groom comes from an urban area; his family’s financial situation is also average, and he is from the north. The bride price, per local customs, ranges from 30,000 to 90,000. The bride’s parents offered 150,000, along with a dowry of 30,000. Initially, they intended to give only 120,000 without any dowry, but out of consideration for face, they increased the amount to 30,000. These 150,000 represent a huge burden for the man’s family. The woman’s parents insist that the bride price is too low, which shows that their daughter is not valued enough; moreover, since she is marrying far away, relatives need to travel to her family’s home, and the flight costs 20,000 yuan. (The woman’s parents insist on following tradition by having relatives accompany the bride to and from the wedding.) The daughter on the wife’s side believes that the betrothal money is merely a gift, and she hopes that her parents will ask for less of it; she wants them to get rid of the misconception that the more betrothal money, the better. According to custom, 150,000 yuan with only 30,000 yuan in dowry is far too little. If they truly love their daughter, they should return all of that money. How can the daughter persuade her parents? How to get rid of the concepts of \"showy projects\" and \"excessive bride price\"? Moreover, if the groom doesn’t have that much money, does it really mean one has to give up? Is a bride price a bad thing? Is it reasonable?
With such a high bride price, it feels less like marrying off a daughter and more like selling her...
This post was last edited by cflt111 on 2015-10-8 at 17:35. Yes, the girl also thinks it’s about selling her daughter; her mother, on the other hand, can’t get past the misconception related to the bride price
This post was last edited by cflt111 on 2015-10-8 at 17:47. The bride price is really a frustrating thing. Last year, I was also worried about getting married, but luckily I knew that one must obey those in authority, so I agreed to get married. Now that I have a child, I’m quite happy. I just prefer not to see the father-in-law’s family; as for my wife, she can do whatever she wants at her parents’ house, and I choose to turn a blind eye. Back then, my father-in-law’s demand for so much was nothing but a way to exploit my parents; for his so-called reputation, they suffered immensely. My resentment toward them is growing by the day. From when we were in a relationship until my child was born, they kept taking advantage of my money, treating me like a fool. I was angry inside, but I endured it all. But this year, on National Day, my child turned one month old, so I took him to see him. His wife gave him 500 yuan; the child was just born, and we didn’t have time to give a gift for the Mid-Autumn Festival. He said there’s no need to give it to him, and he doesn’t need to pay us any money for visiting our children either; it balances out. In other words, he didn’t spend a single penny, yet claimed to have given the child 500 yuan! I’m really pissed off, I can’t take it anymore; I went home and talked to my wife about this – do they think I’m an idiot? Over the past few years, I have always given his granddaughter at least 500 yuan as New Year’s money or a gift for changing her name; yet his son only gave my child 200 yuan! At that time, for the sake of my relationship, I insisted on staying with my wife; otherwise I could have easily chosen a rich second-generation heir. That way, my parents wouldn’t have to work as hard as they do now; it seems like that family really likes me. I met my wife and that girl at the same time, and I chose my wife. After talking for a few years, the father of that family even offered to give my mother a ride on his way, asking if we were still dating. That family doesn’t usually have any contact with ours. Now I have a father-in-law like Zhou Bapi, who only thinks about having fun for himself every day (emphasize: every day, it’s no exaggeration). When I think of their family, I really feel some regret. Of course, my mother and I are both reluctant to part with my wife. If we don’t persevere, no one will comfort her; she is very pitiful and unfortunate. Her mother passed away very early, and all her family members and relatives were selfish (I won’t go into details due to space constraints). I went back with my wife to see her father-in-law, who showed no interest in anything related to my wife’s well-being; several times, my wife came home crying with me. If I didn’t have a good relationship with my wife, I would never want to see that family in my life. I’m still in contact with them out of consideration for my wife. It’s no exaggeration to say that from childhood onward, I was the best among all the children in the village and among my relatives in every aspect; I was basically what the villagers referred to when talking about how to raise children – \"that little Ming\". Originally, for my marriage, I didn’t really need to rely on my family financially; it was only because my in-laws were always scheming that the family ended up with a lot of debt, and my parents suffered a great deal as well. Now it’s as if the rain has passed, and we can focus on living our own lives, seeing the true nature of some people. My spouse and I watch our child grow up, with the intention of taking care of this home in the future. Be nicer to your parents from now on; go talk to them when you get home, help them with some tasks, clean their ears, and trim their toenails. I believe that what you make others endure today, you will have to endure yourself someday. Therefore, I advise all unmarried young men that marriage is not just a matter between two people; if the other party’s parents exert too much pressure, one must be clear about one’s own stance. Do a good job as a girlfriend, and remember that you must make your own decision regarding marriage! The prerequisite is true love.
This post was last edited by cflt111 on 2015-10-8 at 17:49. The betrothal gifts in our area are merely a formality; the ownership still belongs to the couple themselves. In fact, many marriages in China these days are ridiculous – the vast majority of people don’t even understand what marriage really is. When I went home during National Day, my parents told me that several of my classmates had gotten divorced; they treat marriage like a game. What a sad society!
This post was last edited by cflt111 on 2015-10-8 at 17:52. Yes, I think so too; the problem is that these parents keep saying it’s for their daughter’s good that they demand such a high dowry, which makes it difficult for the daughter to live in society. As a daughter, I want to get married simply, with autonomy and independence. But my parents keep bringing up the idea that \"the other party might look down on you.\" Will paying such a high bride price really make them respect this bride? The man has to borrow over 100,000 yuan in order to get married, and after marriage, it is the children who have to bear this debt. I really don’t know – as parents, where exactly are we doing what’s best for our daughters? But no matter what is said, it’s impossible to convince her. What should a daughter do in such a situation? Should one quarrel with their parents over such a small amount of betrothal money? My family also says my daughter is stupid for not knowing to fight harder to secure financial benefits for our parents……
Is it for the daughter’s sake or for one’s own? Pure moral blackmail – exploiting one’s age!
If one day marriage no longer required so many rules, no such extravagant gifts, and parents imposed fewer restrictions, then that would be what a civilized society should look like. Filial piety shouldn’t go to such extremes. I already give all the money I earn to my family; if I want to get married, I’ll end up dragging down my future in-laws as well.
I’m bored; talking too much just brings tears.
Actually, I’m not against asking for a bride price, but the condition is that one must truly treat one’s daughter well. 150,000 can be taken, but another 50,000 should be added to reach 200,000 to take back for the daughter. It’s really for the daughter’s good; I’m thinking of her. Many people in my hometown do this. Marrying off a daughter is by no means a way to make money; it actually requires spending money.