Treating a cold

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“Treating Colds” B: Everyone’s here! Let me introduce myself; I am a doctor well-known throughout this area. Why am I so famous? Because I’m different from other doctors; I care most about my patients. Patients who come to me for treatment walk in, but crawl out. (Awaiting the audience to stop laughing) Oh, that’s wrong; they come in by crawling and go out on foot. Now, let’s start the consultations. Call one in at a time. (Look at the form). Number one, surname Bai, has cataracts. Number two, surnamed Wei, has gastric bleeding. Number three, surnamed Niu, has psoriasis. Come on, you three, go in first. A: Doctor, I... I... B: What’s your date of birth? A: I’m on the fourth. B: The next batch. A: Down... Hey, why am I such a unlucky person? No matter what it is, when it comes to me it’s always the next batch. Some time ago our department promoted a cadre, and for me it was still “the next batch”. I’ll retire with the next batch. (Laughter) Let me introduce myself. My surname is Shan – the same character as in \"single\"; in the list of common surnames it is pronounced as \"Shan\". It’s also the same character as in \"Guo\" in \"Guo Rui Xue\". My name is Shan Guo Rui. I haven’t been feeling well these past few days; I think I have a cold. I came here to see this famous doctor. I heard that he is very responsible toward his patients. My turn will be next – here I come... B: Well, next... (A leans on B’s shoulder; whenever B takes a step, A follows.) It’s obvious he’s sick. A: You wouldn’t come here if you weren’t sick. B: Next, Shan Kou Chuan. A: (looking around) Who’s gasping for breath? B: Which uncultured parents would come up with such an ugly name! ? A: I only have a little breath left, look. B: Still not agreeing... If you don’t agree, I’m leaving for work! A: Hey, what about me, doctor? B: Oh, there’s another one here. What’s your date? A: Number Four, you said that my next batch... B: You’re just out of breath! A: My name is Shan Guorui! Look carefully! B: Oh right, Shan Guorui. A: What kind of look is that?! Shan Guorui looked like he was gasping for breath. B: Shan Guorui! Is something uncomfortable there? A: I just have a cough and shortness of breath. B: It’s still the same – just shortness of breath. A: Doctor, I heard that the conditions here are really good. (Looking around) Why isn’t there anything here? B: Breathing with difficulty. (A: Shan Guorui. ）Oh right, Shan Guorui. What do you think your illness is? A: I guess I am... Is it even necessary to guess? I think I have a cold. B: You’re very smart! If you say a cold is just a cold, then what do I need here? You are speaking to a renowned doctor now; anyone who comes to me as a renowned doctor must undergo another examination. A: Doctor, please examine me. B: Don’t move, keep your mouth open. (Ah) A little higher. (The pitch rises a bit.) (Repeat twice) Make it a bit higher. A: Doctor, this isn’t a hospital here; it’s a music academy, right? B: What kind of talk is that! A: Can I sing that high note? B: Who told you to sing upward? I told you to raise your chin a bit. I can’t see. A: Please be more explicit. B: Come on, give it a try. A: Ah~~~ B: No wonder your voice sounds so unpleasant! There are some droplets on this; this ceiling is a bit moldy. A: Doctor, this place isn’t really a music academy at all; you’re into decoration work. B: You said it twice already! A: Then tell me, why did a ceiling appear on this? B: Those who come here for treatment are called ceiling. (A: Upper jaw, doctor. ）Oh right, the palate. As a doctor, how could I not know that this is called the palate? (A: But I heard it’s the ceiling. I’m afraid if I mention the palate you won’t understand; I know what level of education you have! A: No matter how uneducated I am, I wouldn’t go here and drop something. B: Come now, stick out your tongue. There’s moss on it! Does it leak when it’s raining usually? A: Ugh. Normally, when it rains heavily outside, only light drizzle occurs here inside. I wonder—is my head like a sieve? B: (touching A’s head) It should be closed, right? A: (shaking it off) It was already sealed; it would have leaked out a long time ago. B: Show everyone how green this is. A: This tongue coating. (B: Oh right, the tongue coating. ）I thought he said it was for the whole house! B: What I mean is having a thick coating on the tongue. A: Is tongue coating called moss? (B: Right, right, the tongue coating. ) Remember, it’s called tongue coating. B: Tongue coating, tongue coating… I’ll do as you say, okay? The tongue coating! This person is so annoying. Should I go to see a doctor or should you go? I say one thing and he has a hundred to say in return! This person isn’t in very good health, but you have quite good speaking skills. Are you involved in pyramid schemes? Stop seeing a doctor! Go and pay! A: Hey. (I walk a bit and then come back.) Doctor, what illness do I have? B: I’ll tell you once you’ve paid. A: Hey. ( Went a distance and then came back) Doctor, how much do I need to pay? B: Oh, don’t pay too much! (A: Thank you, doctor. ) (Turned around and left) Pay a thousand first! A: (almost falling) It takes a thousand yuan to find out what disease I have! B: What’s wrong with a thousand? What’s the problem with a thousand? A thousand is definitely not enough. A: Is a thousand yuan not enough? ! B: Then it seems possible that it could be an infection. How old are you? (A: Forty-one. ）What does it belong to? (A: Born in the Year of the Ox. ）It looks just like it! The face was blue, the eyes lacked expression, and the pupils were dilated. (Pinching the nose of the cow) Call out, (Cow: Moo–) Go ahead! (A: Moo--) How’s grazing these days? A: Lately, it hasn’t been eating grass well; it only eats half a bundle a day. B: I suspect you have mad cow disease. A: I suspect you’re a vet. (B: Who’s a vet anyway! ) Your vet! I didn’t eat mad cow meat at all – how could I get mad cow disease? B: Okay, okay, I’ve said it over and over – as a doctor, I put the patients’ interests first above all else. If you don’t want to check, you don’t have to. But don’t blame me if you go crazy in the future! A: Even if I go crazy, it’s you who drive me mad. B: Stand properly and check again. (A: Checking again. ) Well, many patients simply do not cooperate with their doctors. (Kneading Jia’s shoulder) Does it hurt here? (A: It doesn’t hurt, doctor. ) Think carefully before answering – this is about seeking medical treatment, not buying groceries! Does it hurt here? (A: It doesn’t hurt.) ) Impossible, right? It should hurt here! (Squeezing the temples) Does it hurt here? (A: It hurts, doctor. ）It shouldn’t hurt here! This problem is very complex! Bend down. (Pressing on the back of the nail) Does it hurt here? A: Doctor, do you think it should hurt or not? (B: What are you saying! ) I said it hurt, and you said it shouldn’t hurt; I said it didn’t hurt, and you said it should hurt. B: Tell me the truth, does it hurt? A: It didn’t hurt at first; you’re the one who made it hurt by pinching me. B: Go and pay! A: Hey. ( Went a distance and then came back) Doctor, when do I have to pay again? B: You haven’t paid a single penny from when you started seeing the doctor until now! A: I have an opinion about paying. B: Of course there are explanations. Don’t get it wrong; I’m a renowned doctor, and I am responsible for you. No other doctor will be as responsible as I am. This is called the process of elimination – by ruling out all the possible diseases, what’s left is just a cold! A: I still have a cold, but my money isn’t gone! B: All this person thinks about is money. Hey, what’s the most important thing in your life? (A: What is the most important? ) Nothing can buy the two words “health”. A: Body. B: Who in this world is most responsible for your health? (A: Who is responsible for me? ) Doctors are the most responsible. A: Doctor. B: Why do you earn so much money in your whole life? A: What do you do with all that money? B: It’s just seeing a doctor, isn’t it? A: It’s just that… I’ve been earning money for him my whole life! Do you see it? B: What do you mean by ‘making money for me’ being the same as ‘making money for yourself’? A: Doctor, I beg you, please treat me properly. Our whole family will sell everything we have to get you a plaque as a gift. Six feet high and six feet wide, square in shape – four big characters to hang at your doorstep: \"Reborn Iron Titan\", how about that? B: Hehe... wait, who is being reborn? A: The reincarnation of an iron giant, a miracle doctor. They all say you have a good eye for that… B: That’s not right; I remember Tito being from Yugoslavia, right? It’s Hua Tuo! A: You’re much stronger than Hua Tuo! B: What do you mean? A: Just prescribe me some cold medicine, that’s all. B: Forget it, this person is too rare. (Taking out a piece of paper) He’s completely ungenerous; he really doesn’t care about us businessmen at all! (Give it to A) Go get the medicine according to this list! A: You’ve already prepared the prescription for me so quickly. B: What’s the point of driving this? They are all copies. A: (looking at the paper, making a grimacing face, pounding his chest) B: This is clearly mad cow disease! Do you see it? A: Doctor, you truly are a miracle doctor! (B: That’s right. ) For just a cold, you prescribed over 500 different medications for me! B: It should be. A: Other doctors charge by piece, but you charge me by weight! I guess I won’t be able to finish it in my lifetime; I plan to have the whole family eat it, generation after generation, right up to the 28th century. I just don’t believe I won’t be able to finish it! B: Okay! This is called Fool Gong taking medicine! A: I can understand that, doctor. But why did you prescribe a pressure cooker for me? Do you say I steam it, or do I sit inside it? B: How can you not have any common sense at all? Isn’t a pressure cooker used for cooking rice? A: For cooking rice, we have a bunch of rice cookers at home. B: Your cold isn’t an ordinary cold. (A: So what kind of cold is it? ) You’re an imported cold. A: Am I mad cow disease again? B: What! You got sick from what you ate; it’s a viral cold. I’m worried that you might infect the other members of your family, so you must use separate utensils for your meals from now on. Oh right, I’ll get you a separate set of bowls and chopsticks. (Writing on paper) A: (Stopping him) No, no — I’ll just eat it straight from the pot. B: Saving a little is always good. A: Doctor, why did you prescribe this? Eighteen baskets of penicillin. I guess it would take forever to beat me into a cork! B: Don’t inject it all at once; wait until it has healed before injecting. A: One mobile phone? B: In case you take the wrong medicine, call me right away; it’s not too late. A: But why did they end up giving me a motorcycle? B: How are you going to take all this stuff back? Can’t it be transported by motorcycle either?! You’re not bad at all! A: What’s wrong? B: As for those three people who came ahead, I gave each of them a Santana! A: Ugh!