Here are some jokes!

Thread Content

The scholar, who was nearly seventy years old, suddenly had a son. It arises from age, and thus is called age. Not long after, another son was born; he seemed suited for studying, so he was named Xuewen. The following year, another son was born. She laughed and said, “At such an old age, still wanting to have children? What a joke.” ”It is called a “joke.” ”The three older men, as there was nothing else to do, were sent into the mountains to gather firewood. When they returned, the husband asked, “Which of the three has gathered the most firewood?” ”The wife said, “I’m of an age now, with no knowledge at all, but a load of jokes.” ” There was a scholar who was nearly seventy years old. His wife suddenly gave birth to a son; since he had reached an advanced age when the child was born, they named him “Age”. Not long after, another son was born; he seemed to be suited for studying, so he was named “Knowledge”. In the third year, another son was born. The scholar said with a smile, “At such an advanced age, to still have a son is truly laughable.” ”So it was named “Joke”. When the three sons grew up, they had nothing to do, so the scholar sent them into the mountains to gather firewood. When they returned, the husband asked his wife, \"Who of the three gathered the most firewood?\" ”The wife said, “I’m getting old, with no knowledge at all, but I do have a load of jokes.” ” Stepping aside 【Original text】 Those who are prejudiced always step aside whenever they encounter people of high status. When his companions asked why, he replied, “To leave my relatives.” ”Repeatedly like this, the companions grew tired of it. By chance, I met a beggar, and I imitated his action of stepping aside, saying, “Leave, dear one.” ”Q: “Why is there such a decree?” ”He said, “But fine, you’ve recognized them all.” ” There was a man who was very vain; whenever he went out and encountered high-ranking officials passing by, he would step aside. Those who were with him asked him why he did that, and he said, “That’s my relative.” ”This happened many times; he did this every time, and those who worked with him found it annoying. Later, they suddenly encountered a beggar on the road, and those who were with them imitated him by moving to the side as well, saying, “That beggar is my relative.” ”The vain person asks, “How do you have such poor relatives?” ”The person walking with him said, “Because you take away everything that is good.” ” Eating olives 【Original text】 Villagers went into the city for a feast, and there were olives at that banquet. The villagers took some to taste; it was astringent and tasteless. So they asked those with them, “What is this?” ”Those like him, due to the simplicity of their village ways, dismissed them as \"vulgar.\" ”The local people named it “common,” and so they remembered it well. When they returned, they said to others, “Today I tried a strange thing in the city; it’s called ‘common’.” ”The others did not believe him, so the man opened his mouth and blew out air, saying, “You don’t believe me; your mouths are full of vulgarity right now.” ” A farmer went to the city to attend a banquet; there were olives in it. The farmer put it in his mouth to eat, but it was astringent and not tasty at all, so he asked the person with him, “What is this?” ”People like * think he is vulgar and say disdainfully, “Vulgar.” ”The farmer thought that “Su” was the name of the olive, so he remembered it well. When he returned home, he told people, “Today I ate a strange fruit in the city; its name is ‘Su’.” ”When everyone heard this and didn’t believe it, the farmer blew air from his mouth and said, “If you don’t believe me, my mouth is full of vulgar words right now.” ” Mocking the Jester [Original]: One person invited a guest for lunch; the guest had already finished a bowl of food, yet no more was served. The guest, wanting the host to be aware of it, pretended and said, “There is a house in my family that we wish to sell.” ”Thus, he turned the bowl toward the host and said, “Even rafters can be this big.” ”Seeing no rice in the bowl, the master hurriedly called for a servant to add more. He asked the customer, “How much is it worth?” ”The customer said, “Now that I have food to eat, I won’t sell it anymore.” ” Someone invited a guest for lunch; the guest had already finished one bowl of food, but no one brought him more. The guest wanted the host to know, so he pretended to say, “There is a house for sale in so-and-so’s household.” ”Then, deliberately turning the bowl mouth toward the master, he said, “The rafters are as thick as this bowl mouth.” ”Seeing that there was no rice left in the bowl, the master hurriedly called for a servant to bring more rice. He then asked the guest, “How much does he sell it for?” ”The guest replied, “Now that we have food to eat, we’re not selling it anymore.” ” Circular lie 【Original text】 Some people are accustomed to lying. Its servant rounds it out each time. One day, he said to someone, “My well was blown away by a strong wind to the neighbor’s house yesterday.” ”All thought it was unprecedented since ancient times. The servant replied, “It is indeed the case.” Our well is close to the neighbor’s fence. Last night, the wind was strong; it seemed as though the fence was being blown towards our well, but in reality it was the well that was pushing the fence towards the neighbor’s house. ”One day, he said to someone else, “Someone shot down a goose with a bowl of powdered soup on its head.” ”All were astonished once again. The servant replied, “There is such a thing as well.” My master was eating noodle soup in the courtyard when suddenly a wild goose fell down. Its head landed right into the bowl—wasn’t that like the goose “carrying” the noodle soup on its head? ”One day. He also said to others, “In my humble home, there is a warm canopy that covers the sky and earth completely, leaving not a single gap. ”The servant frowned and said, “My master is utterly insane, spinning such endless lies; how am I supposed to cover for them?” ” There was a man who* was used to lying, and his servant would always cover for him. One day, he said to people, \"A well in my house was blown by the strong wind to the neighbor’s house yesterday.\" ”Everyone believes that such a thing has never happened since ancient times. His servant lied to cover for him, saying, “It really happened; our well is next to the neighbor’s fence. Last night, the wind was strong and blew the fence over to the side of the well, as if the well had moved over to the neighbor’s yard.” ”One day, he said to people again, “Someone shot down a goose with a bowl of plain soup on its head.” ”Everyone was once again very surprised and didn’t believe what he said. His servant lied to cover for him again, saying, “There was indeed such a thing: my master was eating porridge in the courtyard when suddenly a goose fell down; its head landed right in the bowl. Isn’t it as if the goose’s head was on top of the porridge?” ”Another day, he said to others, “The Han family has a warm-keeping tent that covers the sky and earth completely, with not a single gap. ”Upon hearing this, the servant frowned in distress and said, “My master has gone too far; telling such outrageous lies. How can I possibly cover them up?” ” The Water-Management Official 【Original text】 The scholar’s servant was urinating on the baby, but it wouldn’t stop; he scared the baby by saying, “The official is coming.” ”The doll immediately peed. The scholar asked why, and he replied, “I saw that as soon as you scholars heard the educational official dismount, you were so frightened that you wet and pooped yourselves; from that I knew it.” ”The scholar sighed and said, “I never imagined that this child would be able to carry on his father’s legacy and uphold the tradition of scholarship.” ； Even less did I expect that this Xuetai Shanli Xiao Shui could help with both defecation and urination. ” The servant in the scholar’s house held the baby to pee, but the child didn’t go for a long time. The servant scared him by saying, “The teacher has arrived.” ”The doll immediately urinated. The scholar asked him why, and he replied, “I saw that as soon as you scholars heard that the educational official was coming, you were so scared that you wet yourselves and pooped yourselves, so I scared him in this way.” ”The scholar sighed and said, “I never imagined that this child would be able to carry on his father’s aspirations and preserve the tradition of scholarship.” ； It was even less expected that this herb is good at promoting diuresis and aiding in the elimination of urine and feces. ” Afraid of the examiner 【Original text】 A scholar is afraid of annual examinations; upon hearing that the examiner is arriving, he becomes panicked and pale. He rushes to meet the examiner, only to hear the porters complain, saying, “You wretched servants! Why did you bring the examiner here? You scared me to death.” In that lifetime, I was a sedan-bearer, and you were a scholar. I even carried the examination papers to you, just to see if your soul was still present. ” 【Translation】 The scholar was afraid of the exams held every year; upon hearing that the examinee had arrived, he became panicked and rushed forward to greet him. When he saw those carrying the palanquin, he complained, “You wretched porters! Why have you brought this examinee here?” It scared me to death. In which lifetime did I serve as a porter while you were a scholar? I even carried your teaching post for you – just to see if your soul was still there ” Filial daughter-in-law 【Original text】 An old man said, “I have three daughter-in-laws, all of whom are extremely filial.” The eldest daughter-in-law was worried that my food wouldn’t be flavorful enough, so she added more salt as soon as I came in. My second daughter-in-law, worried that I might feel lonely, often plays the bamboo drum for me to listen to. The third daughter-in-law was even more filial; she heard that \"eating less for dinner helps one live to 99.\" So he doesn’t eat breakfast with me. ” An old man said, “I have three daughters-in-law, and they are all very filial.” My eldest daughter-in-law is worried that my food isn’t flavorful enough; as soon as she sees me come in, she adds more salt to the dishes. My second wife, worried that I might feel lonely, often plays the bamboo drum for me to listen to. The third daughter-in-law is even more filial; it is said that ‘eating less for dinner helps one live to 99.’ ’So, they simply stopped giving me breakfast too. ” Looking at the fan: There was someone who borrowed a fine fan to view; he cherished it very much and kept it protected by a silk shirt. The fan owner, seeing that the color of its sleeve was unsatisfactory, said, “It’s better to hold it with bare hands.” ” There was a person who borrowed someone else’s exquisite fan to admire. He took the fan, cherished it greatly, placed it in the palm of his hand covered by his silk shirt, and held it to take a look. The fan owner, seeing that his sleeves were extremely dirty, said to him, “It’s better if you hold it with your bare hands.” ” Spreading rumors 【Original text】 Statues of the three religions were created in the temple: Confucianism first, Buddhism next, and Taoism last. When the Taoist priest saw this, he immediately moved Laojun to the inside. The monk saw this and moved Jia to the middle. The scholar saw and still moved Confucius to the center. The Three Saints said to one another, “We were originally in good condition, but these superior beings moved us around and ruined us.” ” 【Translation】 The temple houses statues of the three religions: first those of Confucianism, then those of Buddhism, and finally those of Taoism. When the Taoist priest saw this, he immediately moved Laojun to the center position ； When the monk saw this, he moved Sakyamuni to the middle position ； When the scholars saw this, they moved Confucius to the middle position. The three saints said to one another, “We were originally in good condition, but these wretches moved us around and damaged us.” ” Father-in-law 【Original text】 There are those who have managed to achieve success through their father-in-law’s influence. Or, as a mocking remark: “When the disciples of Confucius took an exam, just before the results were announced.” Hearing that Zhang was ranked ninth, everyone said, ‘He looks very impressive; he must have some merits.’ ’Then Zilu was ranked thirteenth, and everyone said, ‘This rough man has managed to achieve a high rank; it’s thanks to his boldness that he was able to do so.’ ’It was reported to Yan the Twelfth, and everyone said, ‘He is the best in learning; give him a bit less.’ ’When Gongye Chang was ranked fifth again, everyone was astonished and said, ‘That man isn’t usually seen around; why did he end up in the top position?’ ’One person said, ‘He has risen high only because of someone’s support.’ ’Question: ‘Who supports him?’ ’He said, ‘Sir.’ ’” 【Notes】 ① Gao Duō: a high school for scientific research. 【Translation】 There was a person who managed to win first place thanks to his father-in-law’s influence. Someone came up with a set of sarcastic words: \"When the disciples of Confucius took the exam and the results were announced, it was reported that Zizhang ranked ninth. Everyone said, ‘He has a handsome appearance; surely he deserves such a good position.’\" ’It was also reported that Zilu ranked thirteenth, and people said, ‘This rough man has managed to achieve a high rank; it’s all thanks to his excellent form these past days.’ ’It was also reported that Yan Yuan ranked twelfth, and everyone said, ‘He has the best knowledge; he should be ranked higher.’ ’It was also reported that Gongye Chang ranked fifth, and everyone was surprised, saying, ‘That man isn’t very good usually; why did he end up in the top ranks?’ ’One of them said, ‘He was able to get to high school only because of someone’s support.’ ’The people asked, ‘Who is supporting him?’ ’The man replied, ‘Father-in-law.’ ’” Elderly man 【Original text】 Walking while leading a ox, he shouted at people to make way. Not listening, he said, “Let’s see your master come.” ”One person looked back and said, “Could there really be such a man in my family?” ” There was a man leading an ox on the road; he called out to those in front to make way, but they wouldn’t listen. So he said, “Look, your master is coming.” ”One of them turned around and looked at the ox, saying, \"Could there really be such an old man in my family?\" ” People of Suzhou and Hangzhou are the same*. 【Original text】 People of Suzhou and Hangzhou are identical*. People in Hangzhou eat dates alone, while those in Suzhou eat olives alone. Hang asked Su, “What are the benefits of olives?” And like to eat him? ”He said, “It tastes best when savored later.” ”The people of Hangzhou said, “While you’re savoring it, I’ve already been sweet for half a day.” ” Su and Hang people are the same; those from Hangzhou only eat dates, while those from Suzhou only eat olives. A person from Hangzhou asked someone from Suzhou, “What’s so good about olives?” But you just really like it. ”People from Suzhou say, “The aftertaste is the best.” ”The people of Hangzhou say, “By the time you’ve had time to savor it, I’ll have already been sweet for half a day.” ” Dog carrying a silver ingot: A dog was walking around with a silver ingot in its mouth; people tried to feed it meat, but it wouldn’t take it, and they tried covering it with clothes, only for it to shake those off as well. People said to the dog, “You wretched beast! You’re so unwilling to part with it – you don’t like to eat it, nor do you want to wear it. What use is there for you in insisting on that silver?” ” A dog picked up a silver ingot and started running away; people tried to feed it meat, but it wouldn’t let go of the ingot, and when they covered it with a cloth, the dog escaped again. The man said to the dog, “You fool, why are you so reluctant to part with it? It’s not tasty nor useful as clothing – what’s the point of clinging to that silver at all?” ” Not proper 【Original】 Those who are in charge have very little capital. In the first month, it was written \"Pledged\" on the sign; soon after, the capital was lost and no one came to redeem it, so the character \"Stop\" was written above \"Pledged\" to indicate that pledging had been halted. Later, when the redeemer returned, the principal amount was restored, and another character “bu” was added above the character for “stop”. When people saw it, they said, “I think there’s really something wrong with your pawnshop.” ” There was a pawnbroker with very little capital. In the first month of operation, write the character “ When” on the sign. Before long, the capital was gone and the person who came to redeem it never showed up; so the character for \"pawn\" was followed by another character meaning \"stop\", indicating that things had come to a halt. Later on, when the items and people could be redeemed and capital was available again, a character \"bu\" was added before \"tingdang\". When people saw it, they said, “It seems like your pawnshop has really stopped being trustworthy.” ” Ten feet 【Original text】 When the border officials are absent, anyone who passes through the border without any goods must pay tax; those who have ten feet are exempt. A first-year high school student passed the test without any money, saying, “I am from Longyou, Zhejiang.” The dragon has four legs, the ox has four legs, and humans have two legs – isn’t that ten legs in total? ”Agreed. Another person asked for exemption from taxes, saying, “I am a crab merchant.” The crab has eight legs; I have two. Isn’t it ten legs? ”It is also exempted. The last merchant passing through the checkpoint refused to pay taxes, and the customs officials were furious and wanted to punish him. The reply was, “Though I have two legs, I actually have eight legs on my body as well.” ”The official asked, “Where?” ”The reply was, “I am a humble person from Huizhou; my name is Huizhou Otter Cat. Cats have four legs, otters also have four legs, while I have two legs. Doesn’t that make ten legs in total?” ” The toll collectors were short of money; anyone who crossed the pass with nothing to show for it had to pay a tax, unless they had ten feet and could thus be exempt from it. At first, there was a person who didn’t have any money to cross the border and said, “I’m from Longyou, Zhejiang.” Dragons have four legs, cows have four legs, and humans have two legs – isn’t that ten legs in total? ”The border guard allowed him to pass through. Another person asked for a tax exemption, saying, “I am a crab customer.” Crabs have eight legs, I have two legs – shouldn’t that make ten legs in total? ”Upon hearing this, the customs official also exempted him from taxes. The last merchant passing through the checkpoint refused to pay taxes. The customs official became furious and wanted to beat him, but the man replied, \"Although I have two feet, I actually have eight more feet on my body.\" ”The customs official asked, “Where?” ”The man replied, “I am a small Huig person named Huitao Cat. Cats have four legs, otters also have four legs, and I have two legs – so isn’t that a total of ten legs?” ” The father-in-law, upon seeing a young woman holding a child in her arms, took the opportunity to say, “What a good little boy.” ”Realizing his frivolous nature, the woman said, “Since he likes her that much, then give your daughter to him as a wife.” ”The man replied, “If that’s the case, you want me to be your… father-in-law.” ” A man, seeing a young woman holding a child in her arms, took advantage of the situation and said, “What a good little son!” ”Realizing his frivolous nature, the young woman replied, “Very well, then give your daughter to him as a wife.” ”The man replied, “If that’s the case, you’ll have to call me father-in-law.” ” The intermediary: [Original text] The Jade Emperor was building the Lingxiao Palace and happened to be short of funds; he wanted to pawn the Guanghan Palace① to the human emperor in the mortal world. Thinking that it would be good if the person in mind could become an emperor, they asked the Emperor of the Kitchen to come down to the mortal world to negotiate. When he appeared in the court, those there were surprised and said, “Why is the messenger sent by the heavens so dark?” ”The Kitchen God laughed and said, “Among all people in the world, none does anything for free.” ” 【Note】 ① Guanghan Palace: The immortal palace on the moon. The Jade Emperor was building the Lingxiao Palace and happened to run out of funds; he wanted to give the Guanghan Palace to an emperor on earth. The Jade Emperor thought that the messenger should also be an emperor, so he invited the Emperor of the Kitchen to come down to the human world to discuss the price. When the Kitchen God arrived at the human court, the people there were surprised and said, “An envoy sent from heaven – why are you so dark?” ”The Kitchen God laughed and said, “None of the messengers in the world work for nothing.” ” Matchmaker [Original text] There are those who worry about poverty; some advise them, saying, “It is sufficient to find a matchmaker.” ”The man said, “How can a matchmaker cure poverty?” ”The reply was, “In poor families, once they go through a matchmaker, they all become prosperous.” ” There was a man who was constantly worried about poverty. Others advised him, “It’s enough to just ask a matchmaker to intervene.” ”The man concerned about poverty said, “How can a matchmaker save people from poverty?” ”The reply was, “No matter which poor family it is, as long as a matchmaker intervenes, they will all become prosperous.” ” Jingtong 【Original text】 There was a man with good looks who went to visit a friend. Knowing his nature, a friend called out, “Tell the diligent boy to prepare tea.” ”Soon, the one who brought the tea was a strangely ugly boy. The man said, “What is such a one called, a refined boy?” ”A friend said, “There’s no such thing as a ‘properly good’ amount of silver energy either.” ” There was a man who was very vain and cared a lot about his reputation; he went to visit a friend’s house. The master, knowing his nature, called out, “Tell the clever boy to prepare tea.” ”After a while, an extremely ugly servant boy came in to serve tea. The man said, “Why are such servants called elite servants?” ”The master replied, “It’s a pursuit of vanity.” ” Proportionate 【Original text】 An ordinary man created a magnificent room, filled with antiques and paintings of all kinds – nothing was missing in it. When a guest arrived, he asked, “If there is anything that is not in order here, please point it out so that I can remove it.” ”The guest said, “Everything is excellent, except for one thing that can be removed.” ”The master asked, “What is it?” ”The guest said, “It’s you.” ” A mediocre man built a magnificent room, filled with antiques and paintings – nothing was missing in it. When the guests arrived, the host asked, “If there is anything inappropriate in the room, please point it out so that it can be removed.” ”The guest said, “Everything is perfect; only one thing can be removed.” ”The master asked, “What is it?” ”The guest said, “It’s you.” ” Sexual abstinence from drinking 【Original text】 A person offered a bottle of wine and a piece of rotten food to the god of the marketplace. After the sacrifice, seeing the dog by the side, he quickly ordered the boy to take it away. Tong Fang brought wine inside; the flesh had already been eaten by dogs. The lord flew into a rage and said, “You wretch!” Whether you’ll take it or not, you should first take the tofu. Don’t you know that dogs never drink alcohol! ” Someone used a bottle of wine and a piece of tofu to offer to the God of Wealth during the festival. After the festival, seeing the dog nearby, he hurriedly asked the servant to put away the offerings. The servant had just brought in the wine when the tofu had already been eaten by the dog. The master snapped, “You wretch!” You fail to collect what you should. The tofu should be collected first; don’t you know that dogs never drink alcohol? ” The Ghost-Fighting Man: Zhong Kui particularly enjoys eating ghosts. His sister sent him a birthday gift, with an inscription on it that read: “A jar of wine and two ghosts, sent to my brother for him to chop up.” If my brother thinks the gifts are not enough, there are three people carrying the load. ”After taking a look, Zhong Kui ordered his attendants to send the three ghosts to the cooks to be cooked. The ghost who was carrying the load said to the one who brought the load, \"It’s inevitable for us to die; why do you go to the trouble of carrying this load?” ” Zhong Kui specializes in eating ghosts. His sister sent him gifts for his birthday, with an inscription on the note that read: “A jar of wine and two ghosts, sent to my brother for him to chop up.” If my brother thinks the gifts are not enough, there are three people carrying the load. ”After reading it, Zhong Kui ordered his servants to give the three ghosts to the chef to cook. The one carrying the burden said to the one who forced him to carry it, \"We were destined to die anyway; we have no complaints. But why do you go out of your way to impose this burden on us?\" ” Face trick 【Original text】 The King of Hell sent his demons to arrest the three men. He first asked the first man, “What did you do in your lifetime?” ”The reply was, “Sew and mend.” ”The king said, “You reject the old and embrace the new; you deserve to be sent to the oil pot.” ”He asked the second one, “What is your profession?” ”Answered, “To make and sell flowers.” ”The king said, “You’re creating unnecessary complications, like something growing in a frying pan.” ”Asked the third time, the answer was: “Make a silly face.” ”The king said, “Throw them all into the oil pot.” ”The man refused to agree, saying, “I was making faces to enhance the king’s presence and dignity; how can I be considered guilty of such a crime?” ”The king said, “I’m surprised that you show a kind face to those who have plenty of money, but turn to them with a harsh expression when they have little money.” ” The King of Hell sent demons to arrest the three men and first asked the first one, “What did you do in your lifetime?” ”The answer was: “Sew and mend.” ”The King of Hell said, “You reject the old and embrace the new; you deserve to be sent to the oil pot.” ”The King of Hell asked the second one, “What do you do?” ”The answer was, “I make and sell flowers.” ”The King of Hell said, “You’ve created unnecessary trouble; throw you into the oil pot.” ”The King of Hell asked the third one, and the answer was: “Making faces.” ”The King of Hell said, “Throw them all into the oil pot.” ”The third party objected, saying, “I made faces to add to Your Majesty’s grandeur and power; why should I suffer the same fate?” ”The King of Hell said, “I resent the fact that you give a favorable impression to those who have plenty of money.” ； Those with little money should just show him a poor attitude. ” Tooth worm [Original text] Those who suffer from toothache have no remedy for it. The doctor said, “There is a huge worm inside, resembling a silkworm; it must be removed before the root can be cut.” ”Question: “How did it become so big?” ”The doctor said, “Growing up in a judicial office from a young age is the most harmful thing for a person.” ” There was a person who had a toothache that could not be treated. The doctor said, “There is a giant worm in the gums, shaped like a silkworm; it must be removed to eliminate the root of the disease.” ”The man asked, “How can it be that big?” ”The doctor said, “Growing up in a dental office from a young age is the most harmful thing.” ” Dog’s Stomach and Crucian Carp 【Original text】 When a new official took office, an official presented him with a crucian carp; its taste was excellent, truly extraordinary. After eating it, whenever he thought of getting more, the servants searched everywhere but could find none. Still asked the former official for it. The official reported, “This fish is not for sale in the market.” Yesterday, I happened to slaughter a dog; what I found inside its stomach seemed to be something unusual, so I dared to present it to you. ”The official said, “Is there really only this crucian carp?” ”The official said, “How can there be a second crucian in a dog’s stomach?” ” 【Notes】 ① Crucian carp: same as “ju”. A new official took office, and his subordinates presented him with a carp; its taste was excellent, very different from that of ordinary fish. After the officials ate them, they still wanted more of such fish, but the servants searched everywhere without finding any. So he asked the official in front of him who was offering fish for some fish. The subordinate officials reported, “This fish was not bought from the market.” Yesterday I slaughtered a dog and obtained that fish from its stomach; considering it a rare treasure, I dared to present it. ”The official said, “Is this the only crucian carp?” ”The official said, “How can there be a second sentence in a dog’s stomach?” ” Eating grain and wearing armor 【Original text】 A rat emerged from a gutter; a nearsighted man stared at it for a long time and said, “Hey!” A high-ranking official wearing a mink coat. ”When the rat saw a human, it retreated inside. After a short while, another large turtle emerged from the hole; looking closely, it said, “The one wearing the mink coat is the only one who can hide in there; now another armored soldier has shown up.” ” A rat emerged from the gutter, and a nearsighted man stared at it for a long time before saying, “Huh!” A high-ranking official wearing a mink coat. ”Upon seeing a person, the field mouse retreated immediately. Soon after, another large turtle crawled out of its hole. The nearsighted man said, “Look, the one wearing the mink coat just retreated, and now they’ve sent someone in armor.” ” Love affair fails. [Original text] When the client ran out of money, the brothel keeper hosted a feast to see him off. Suddenly it started to rain, and the client sighed, “The rain keeps the guests here, but the heavens keep them yet do not keep me.” ”Remembering his generosity in spending money, she persuaded him to stay for one night. It snowed the next day, so they stayed again. By the third day, the wind picked up; the client hoped again that she would stay, and she sang and lamented as before. The courtesan said, “This time, my master has no money; we can’t set off.” ” 【Translation】 A client ran out of money, and the brothel owner hosted a farewell feast for him. Suddenly it started to rain, and the client lamented, “The rain keeps the guest here, but the heavens keep the person yet not the guest.” ”The landlady, considering that he had spent money on prostitution, reluctantly allowed him to stay for the night. The next day it snowed, forcing him to stay another night. On the third day, a strong wind blew, yet the client still wanted to stay overnight, continuing to repeat what he had said earlier. The shopkeeper said, “This time you have no money; the wind can’t stay.” ” What a fine turtle! During a major examination, one person hoped to pass it through the imperial examinations; he asked an oracle master to consult a turtle, and the results were very favorable, suggesting that he would succeed in this examination. He was overjoyed and carried the turtle shell with him carefully. At the appointed time, one entered to take the exam; the examiner posed questions aimed at confusing them, leaving them unable to write a single word all day long. Kneeling by the turtle, he sighed and said, “I can’t believe that such a good turtle wouldn’t know how to write!” ” During the imperial examinations, a man who wanted to come in first place asked an oracle to predict the outcome using turtle shells. The prediction was very favorable, suggesting that he would surely succeed in these examinations. The man was very happy and carried the turtle shell with care. When it came to the day of the exam and he was called in to enter, the chief examiner posed questions, but he had no idea what they meant and failed to write a single word throughout the day. So, stroking the turtle’s shell, he sighed and said, “How can one not believe that such a fine turtle wouldn’t know how to write an essay?” ” Engagement 【Original text】 A man went into the toilet, and there was a girl already there inside it. Once I ran out of clean paper, and I said, “If anyone with sense gives it to me, I am willing to become their wife.” ”Hearing this, the person took what he had and handed it over through a crack in the wall. The woman left right away after cleaning herself. The man sighed and said, “Although the marriage has been arranged, with such a mountain of debts, how can it all be settled?” ” 【Note】 ① Path: same as “ diameter”. A man entered the toilet, and another woman was already there. The woman accidentally dropped a piece of toilet paper, so she said, “If anyone kind enough to give it to me, I would be willing to become their wife.” ”Upon hearing this, the man immediately passed his toilet paper to the woman through a crack in the bathroom wall. The woman wiped herself clean and then left. The man sighed and said, “Although the marriage is settled, how can these mountains of debt be wiped away?” ” Having money to boast about: A man got lost and met a mute man; when he asked for directions, the mute man didn’t respond, but instead made a gesture resembling money, showing that he would give directions in exchange for money. To convey his meaning, he gave him some money. The mute man spoke up and indicated the way. The person asked, “Why aren’t you pretending to be mute?” ”The mute said, “In this world these days, once you have money, you can speak!” ” A man got lost and encountered a \"mute\" person who wouldn’t answer his questions. The mute person only used gestures to show what money looked like, indicating that he would give money in exchange for directions. The lost man understood what was meant and immediately took out some money to give to the \"mute\" person. “The “mute” then spoke to show the way, and the lost traveler asked, “Why pretend to be mute?” ”“The “mute” said, “In today’s world, once you have money, you can speak.” ” The Three Great Disasters of Past and Present 【Original text】 At the entrance of a household, people defecate and urinate there; the foul smell is unbearable. Unable to refuse, he drew a turtle on the wall and wrote beneath it: “Those who urinate here are like this creature.” ”Seeing such a vile act, he asked, “Whose handiwork is this?” ”The painter recognized it, and the rogue said, “Emperor Huizong of Song, Zhao Ziang, and my brother – the three of us will go down in history as immortal figures.” ”When the painter asked why, he replied, \"Emperor Huizong of Song’s eagles, Zhao Ziang’s horses, and my brother’s tortoises – these three can be considered the greatest masterpieces of all time.\" ” 【Translation】 There’s a spot at the entrance where passersby defecate and urinate, resulting in an unpleasant stench. The master had no choice but to agree, so he drew a turtle on the wall and wrote beneath it: “Those who urinate here become this creature.” ”A ruffian appeared and asked, “Who did this?” ”The master admitted that he had painted it himself, and the ruffian said, “Emperor Huizong of Song, Zhao Ziang, and you – the three of you will remain immortal.” ”When the master asked why, the rascal replied, “Emperor Huizong’s eagles, Zhao Ziang’s horses, and turtles like you – these are the three greatest wonders of all time.” ” Termitic damage 【Original meaning】 Someone who is a guest elsewhere, while the host sneaks in to eat. Once outside, the guest said, “The house has nice sitting rooms, but it’s a shame that many of the beams and columns have been damaged by termites.” ”The master looked around and said, “There is no such thing.” ”The guest said, “He is eating inside; how can people outside know?” ” 【Translation】 There were guests in the outer hall, while the host went inside to eat in private. When the host came out, the guests said to him, “Your house has a fine main hall, but it’s a shame that many of the beams and columns have been damaged by termites.” ”The master looked around and said, “There is no such thing.” ”The guest said, “It eats inside; how can it be known from the outside?” ” Smoking 【Original text】 Just as someone had brought in the evening meal, they had already finished eating the meat and drinking the wine. The paper is about to be completely dissolved, while a pack of dogs gathers around. The man said, “You all are a step late; there’s nothing for you to eat, but come and have some cigarettes.” ” 【Translation】 Someone brought evening food and soup, after which they had already eaten all the meat and wine. Paper was being burned, and just as it was about to run out, a group of dogs gathered around the fire. The man said, \"You’ve come a little late; there’s nothing to give you as a gift. Please, have some smoke instead.\" ” Trouble 【Original text】 Someone asked, “Who gave the name Fan Chi①?” ”He said, “It was chosen by Confucius.” ”Question: “Who gave the name Fan Kuai②?” ”He said, “It was taken by the founder of the Han dynasty.” ”It is also said, “Who gave the name ‘distress’?” ”He said, “This is something he brought upon himself.” ” 【Notes】 ① Fan Chi: His given name was Xu, and his courtesy name was Zi Chi. A person from the State of Lu at the end of the Spring and Autumn period (some say from the State of Qi). A student of Confucius. ②Fan Kuai: A native of Pei County (present-day Pei County, Jiangsu Province). A founding hero of the Han Dynasty, a great general, and left chancellor. Someone asked, “Who gave Fan Chi his name?” ”Another person replied, “It was chosen by Confucius.” ”Question: “Who gave Fan Kuai his name?” ”The answer was: “It was taken by Emperor Gaozu of Han.” ”He asked again, “Who gave the name ‘distress’?” ”The answer was, “He chose it himself.” ” Cat Chases Mouse 【Original text】 Once, there was a cat that caught a mouse and chased it into a bottle. The cat is reluctant to leave and remains by the bottle, waiting. The mouse was very afraid and didn’t dare to come out; suddenly, the cat sneezed. The mouse said in the bottle, “Great good fortune.” ”The cat said, “It has nothing to do with me.” With all your flattery to me, I just want to eat you up! ” Once upon a time, there was a cat that caught a mouse and drove it into a bottle. Not wanting to give it up, the cat stayed by the bottle to watch over it. The mouse was very scared and didn’t dare to come out. The cat sneezed suddenly, and the mouse said in the bottle, “That’s very auspicious.” ”The cat said, “It doesn’t matter. No matter how much you try to flatter me, it’s useless; I just want to eat you!” ” Birthday wishes 【Original text】 The cat and the mouse celebrate the birthday; sitting by the entrance of the hole, the mouse dares not come out. Suddenly, a sneeze came from inside, and the cat wished, “May you live a thousand years!” ”The group of rats said, “Since he is so respectful, why not meet him?” ”The mouse said, “He never really meant to wish me a happy birthday; he tricked me into coming out so as to chew me up cruelly.” ” 【Translation】 The cat celebrated the mouse’s birthday by staying at the entrance of its hole. The mouse didn’t dare to come out; suddenly it sneezed inside its hole. The cat congratulated it, saying, “Wish you a long and healthy life.” ”The group of mice said, “Since the cat is so respectful, why not go out and meet him?” ”One of the mice said, “He isn’t really wishing us a happy birthday; he lured us out so that he could chew us up thoroughly!” ” Cruel heart. [Original text] One man jokingly hung a rosary around the cat’s neck; the mice congratulated each other secretly, saying, “The old cat is now fasting and praying to Buddha; it surely won’t eat us anymore.” ”So they rejoiced in the courtyard. Upon seeing this, the cat caught several of them. The rats fled, whispering to one another, \"We thought he had a compassionate heart and practiced Buddhism out of sincerity; it turns out he was just pretending to do so.\" ”One replied, “You don’t know.” Those who practice chanting Buddha’s name in this world are ten times more determined. ” Someone joked by hanging several beads around the cat’s neck, and the rats secretly congratulated each other, saying, “The cat officer is now practicing asceticism; he surely won’t eat us anymore.” ”So they jumped around merrily in the courtyard; the cat saw them and caught several of them one after another. The mice fled in panic, saying among themselves, \"We thought he had a kind heart because of his prayers, but it turned out to be just pretend devotion.\" ”One of the rats replied, “You don’t know that those who practice chanting Buddha’s name in this world are extremely cruel; their hearts are ten times more vicious than those of ordinary people.” ” Mocking viciousness 【Original text】 Bees and snakes form an alliance. Feng Yun: “I wish to take a trip on the river with you.” ”The snake said, “Sure.” You must lie on my back. ”When it reached the middle of the river, the snake was no longer strong and was either sinking or floating. The bee, thinking the snake was a threat to it, pierced its tail tightly into the snake’s back. The snake, in pain and anger, said, “People say my tongue is poisonous, but who knew your butt is even more poisonous?” ” 【Translation】 Bees and snakes form an alliance. The bee said, “I want to go swimming in the river with you.” ”The snake said, “Sure, you must lie on my back.” ”By the time it reached the middle of the river, the snake no longer had any strength and would sink and float from time to time. The bee suspected that the snake wanted to harm it, so it stung its back fiercely with its venomous stinger; the snake felt intense pain and cursed, \"People say my venom is deadly, but it seems your butt is even more poisonous.\" “