【Parenting】9 ways Chinese parents ruin their children – are you doing any of these?

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This post was last edited by Xinghao You on 2015-11-27 at 14:22. Recently, Xiao Bao has been watching the parent-child interaction program \"Mom, Listen to Me\" on Beijing TV, and has found that some of the cases of conflicts between parents and children shown in it are characteristic of Chinese culture; they reflect many common educational mistakes among Chinese parents… Let’s take a look at a few real examples first…
The first offense: Never saying \"I love you\"
Damage level: ★★★★
Characteristics of this offense: Loving someone yet not showing it through physical gestures like hugs or kisses.
Case summary: There was a mother who truly loved her child, but she expressed her love in a subtle way—she never gave her child hugs or kisses, which are intimate gestures. This made the child feel frustrated. The mother’s refusal to express love was like a closed door; although they were together every day, the child was kept outside. 　　Destructive impact analysis: A child asking for hugs indicates that it is a child with rich inner emotions; this is not a sign of being spoiled. Regular hugs and kisses can strengthen family bonds, while on the other hand, failing to let a child feel love can make them cold and heartless. 　　Second sin: Lack of companionship Damage level: ★★★★★ Characteristics of this sin: Using material things to compensate for emotional deficiencies Case summary: A single mother, in an effort to improve her 6-year-old son’s material conditions, had no choice but to leave him with his grandparents. She worked from early morning until late at night, which meant very little time for them to spend together; it was even difficult for the child to get a photo taken with his mother. 　　Destructive impact analysis: For children, the joy of receiving a gift is far less than that of spending even a short moment with their mother; no amount of material possessions can make up for the lack of emotional connection. Moreover, a long-term lack of emotional communication with family members is also detrimental to the development and refinement of a child’s personality, and it **increases the likelihood of developing autism**. 　　Third Sin: Stifling Innate Nature Damage Level: ★★★★★★ Characteristics of this sin: Do not…, It is forbidden to… Case Recap: In order to foster her daughter’s strong character, the mother demanded that she \"not cry in front of strangers\", in an effort to cultivate ； There was even a \"strict mother\" who never picked up her daughter and demanded that she \"not act cute\"” ； Crying and acting spoiled are natural traits of children; a mother’s refusal to allow such behavior is undoubtedly a suppression of those natural instincts. 　　Destructive impact analysis: Children are just children; they possess innate traits typical of their age group – simplicity, a love for playing, tendency to cry, and a desire to be spoiled. These are gifts from nature. Yet mothers take away these most endearing qualities from children, imposing on them what adults consider right or wrong, thereby blocking the avenues through which children can express their true feelings. Such children lose much of their cuteness, their playfulness, and their happiness, turning into mere puppets. 　　Fourth Sin: Excessive Pressure Damage Rating: ★★★★★★★★ Characteristics of this sin: Putting all one’s efforts into their child’s future. Case Summary: There was a strong-willed mother who, at the peak of her career, chose to become a full-time mother, giving up her job and her professional ambitions in order to help her daughter realize her dreams. She managed her daughter with the same strictness she used to manage teams, establishing a rigorous schedule for her daughter, which left the child overwhelmed. 　　Destructive impact analysis: Mothers who impose on their children the entrepreneurial spirit and strong execution skills typical of businesses, and who exert pressure on them, often adopt a utilitarian approach to education. In the eyes of such mothers, the realization of a child’s dreams is equivalent to the company going public; they tell their children that they must study hard and must succeed. Unwittingly, they turn a child’s most precious childhood into a cruel training camp, and that era will never return. 　　Fifth Sin: Denial Damage Rating: ★★★★★★★★★ Characteristics of this sin: Believing that one’s child is good for nothing. Case Summary: A little girl loved singing, but her mother thought her voice wasn’t nice, so she decided that the child wasn’t cut out for singing and refused to let her learn music. 　　Destructive force analysis: Do not draw conclusions about children too early, even if you know well their personality, abilities, and talents, as children are constantly growing and changing; no one can determine what they are good at and what they are not good at. Moreover, children need encouragement; never say they can’t do it – give them more affirmation and encouragement. 　　Sixth Sin: Blind Praise for Children Damage Level: ★★★★★★★★★ Characteristics of this sin: Excessive and blind praise for children Scenario: In a talent show, a child was eliminated. The host asked the child’s mother to come on stage to comfort him, and the mother’s first words were, “Son, you’re the best!” ”Even though the child was eliminated in the first round, mom immediately said the child was “the best.” Why would the best one get eliminated? The child will feel deceived, and as a result will not accept their mother’s comfort; they will continue to cry and remain insecure. Before complaining that the child can’t fly, have you thought that he might not be a bird? 　　Destructive impact analysis: It is only when a child has not reached the desired level that parents use hypocritical and exaggerated words to give false praise to them. This leads to the child losing sense of proportion and becoming arrogant or complacent, or over time, the child simply stops believing such praise at all. At the same time, improper praise can also make children hesitant, fearing that they won’t do well or becoming overly concerned with external evaluations, which imposes a psychological burden on them and causes them to overlook the true purpose of things. 　　Seventh Sin: Abuse 　　Damage Level: ★★★★★★★★★★ 　　Characteristics of this offense: verbal abuse, physical abuse, environmental abuse 　　Case Recap: 　　Family rules were posted at home; if a child failed to obey, they would be punished according to those rules. In addition, verbal attacks such as insults directed at children, as well as the hostile environment created by arguments between spouses, are also forms of aggression. 　　Destructive force analysis: Children have an exceptional need for a sense of security; with their parents’ protection, the family is considered by children to be the safest place. But when this environment cannot provide safety for the child, the child tends to grow less and less fond of this home and wants to leave it. The verbal abuse, physical punishment by parents, or an abusive atmosphere created by arguments can shake a child’s young mind, not only affecting the development of their personality but also making them indifferent toward their family. 　　Eighth Sin: Despotism, dominance Damage Rating: ★★★★★★★★★★ Characteristics of this sin: Parents decide everything and act unilaterally on behalf of their children. Case study: A mother once went through the pain of losing a pet and has yet to recover from it. In order to prevent her child from experiencing similar pain, she secretly gave away her son’s beloved dog without his permission, which caused the child to be depressed all the time, often crying when reminded of the dog and missing it greatly. 　　Destructive impact analysis: Authoritarian and domineering parents are most likely to cause children to feel hatred and resistance, especially when they make decisions unilaterally without the child’s consent, taking control over the child’s life. Under the mother’s repeated authoritarian decisions, this hatred will accumulate over time, and sooner or later it will break free from the mother’s control, leading to complete disregard for her commands – with consequences that are unimaginable. 　　The Ninth Sin: Overindulgence Damage Level: ★★★★★★★★★★ Characteristics of this sin: \"Selfless\" parents who dote on and indulge their children Case Summary: There was a mother who always did her best to give her child everything the best. The child likes to eat fish, and the mother has been pretending that she only likes to eat fish tails ； Buying all kinds of new clothes for the child, while the mother keeps wearing old clothes ； She gives her child a wide variety of toys, but she can’t bear to buy herself a new phone. Once on the bus, the child plopped down in the only empty seat, not thinking at all to offer its seat to the mother who had carried it the whole way. 　　Destructive force analysis: Children who grow up in an overindulgent environment have chaotic values in their minds. All children will have to enter society. If a child grows up in an overindulgent environment, he will not be exposed to the right values, and as a result, a series of problems will arise once he enters society. For example: low ability, lack of love in one’s heart, poor resilience to setbacks, difficulty fitting in with others, etc.